Friday, December 10, 2004

ASK MRS. LINKLATER ADULT MOVIE EDITION

As usual, as a public service, Mrs. Linklater butts in when she deems it necessary to save people from themselves.  Or vice versa.  With all due respect to their honorable profession, Mrs. Linklater gives the advice columnists first crack.  Age before beauty.

Dear Abby

Jeanne Phillips

Jeanne Phillips



Published December 10, 2004 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I star in adult films. I am not ashamed of what I do, but sometimes other people's reaction to my profession can be severe.

I am trying to get my 4-year-old daughter, "Ashley," accepted into an exclusive religious day care. The problem is that on the application I am to state my profession, as well as her father's. My husband, "Rex," is also in the adult film industry.

Rex thinks we should just lie. I want my daughter to be accepted, but I know Ashley will be turned down if they find out we lied on the application. What do you think?

-- Tempest In L.A.

Dear Tempest: You don't have to lie. State that you are in the movie business. Just don't mention that the movies you're in are "blue," and cross your fingers that you don't run into any fans.

Mrs. Linklater butts in, if you'll pardon an expression.  This reminds her of an article she read about how to choose your stripper stage name -- something young women can fall back on when they find they have to work their way through Harvard Law School. 

Your first name should be a pet you once had.  And your last name should be a street you lived on. So if you ever see NUDES NUDES NUDES "Featuring Twinkle Drexel" on a downtown marquee, you'll know Mrs. Linklater has a new gig. But she digresses. 

My dear Tempest -- even though you're not just a run of the mill stripper who takes off her clothes, but a real star in adult movies, who not only takes off her clothes but performs acts of an explicitly sexual nature -- what we have here is a failure to communicate.  

Mrs. Linklater is certain that what Dear Abby really meant to say was -- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND? 

You are a PORN star. People who send their children to religious daycare do not want to be in the same room with you. But you just have this need to buy some respectability by sneaking your kid in. Did Mrs. Linklater get that right?  Of course she did.

Why does this make her think of Jimmy Swaggert starting a brothel to raise money for his church?

Your daughter is an innocent bystander in all this. Don't make her a victim of your self-absorbed stupidity. 

Have a nice day.

 

 

 

 

5 comments:

greyhoundloner03 said...

I adore Mrs. Linklater's no nonsense approach to silly ho's.

xoxoxoxo

mosie1944 said...

My stripper stage name would be "Mandy Old Canyon".  NO WAY!!  As usual, I thank you for the morning laughs.

tdain2003 said...

Here Here!
Tracy

wangfuzhong2 said...

Dear Mrs. Linklater,

You sound to me - and any intelligent reader out there - like a woman from the 1920's who wore long dresses to hide her shame.  And those three ladies who agreed with you are no better.  The arogance of your "funny" letter is so typical of the anti-gay, anti-sex, pro-Christian Wrong.  To assume for one moment what motivated Tempest to enrol her daughter in a day care center is the heigth of presumption.  She is a good mother.  She wants her child to have a good education (something, I would guess, Mrs. Tempest didn't have).  And for you to say she was "looking for respectabilituy" is just plain wrong.  You cannot know what is in someone else's mind.  

Sadly, Christian schools are often the best schools in a community.  Sadly,because Tempest's child will be taught that evolution is a lie, that it's all about we humans being related to monkeys.  The fact is - the fatuous Creationist Theory notwithstanding - Evolution is a fact.  There is not a credible scientist in the world who thinks otherwise.  You ARE a mammal (breast feeding)  Mrs. L - a cousin of the chimpanzee who has 97% of your DNA.  

You don't approve of what Tempest does for a living.  Well my MR. L is a lawyer or in the advertising business.  THAT'S where the whores are, Mrs. L.  Make fun of them.  Use your poison pen to hurt people who hurt people every day.  Mrs. Tempest NEVER hurt you.  She is doing a job that pleases many people.   She is NOT hurting anyone.  She is in a family with a child she loves as much or more than you loved your children (if, in fact, you ever allowed a man to put his penis inside you).

You are a good writer.  So am I.  That's why I can say that.  But when you abuse your talent, someone will call you on it.  Someone just did.

Mr.Rob

wangfuzhong2 said...

Dear Mrs. Linklater,

You sound to me - and any intelligent reader out there - like a woman from the 1920's who wore long dresses to hide her shame.  And those three ladies who agreed with you are no better.  The arogance of your "funny" letter is so typical of the anti-gay, anti-sex, pro-Christian Wrong.  To assume for one moment what motivated Tempest to enrol her daughter in a day care center is the heigth of presumption.  She is a good mother.  She wants her child to have a good education (something, I would guess, Mrs. Tempest didn't have).  And for you to say she was "looking for respectabilituy" is just plain wrong.  You cannot know what is in someone else's mind.  

Sadly, Christian schools are often the best schools in a community.  Sadly,because Tempest's child will be taught that evolution is a lie, that it's all about we humans being related to monkeys.  The fact is - the fatuous Creationist Theory notwithstanding - Evolution is a fact.  There is not a credible scientist in the world who thinks otherwise.  You ARE a mammal (breast feeding)  Mrs. L - a cousin of the chimpanzee who has 97% of your DNA.  

You don't approve of what Tempest does for a living.  Well my MR. L