Thursday, June 23, 2005

We're Here To Help

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SI Swimsuit Model trying to demonstrate her figure faults

Well it's beach time. And the first thing any woman wants to do is hide her figure faults. Yep, nothing like putting on a bathing suit to keep everybody in the dark about all the ugly parts you've been hiding under your sweatshirts and stuffing into your jeans.

Thank goodness AOL has offered some solutions to women who don't have the perfect figure. And they put these helpful hints on the front page of the Welcome Screen. Better sit on something waterproof, these are gonna make you pee.

Imagine five beautiful models who supposedly have figure faults that need to be addressed. I should mention that these are faults which are not visible to the naked eye. Like high pitched noises only dogs can hear.   

1. Minimize a Large Bust

Did I miss the memo on this one?  I coulda sworn I just saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said MAXIMIZE Your Large Bust.  Did the surgeon general came out with a report saying that having a large bust was dangerous to your health?  The only person who might be in danger is some guy who has a heart attack from the thrill of it all.

2. Trim Down Your Thighs

Here use this teeny tiny piece of flower print material to discreetly distract people's eyes from the top inch of your thunderous legs. Then just let the rest of your cellulite hang out flapping in the breeze completely uncovered.  No one will notice. 

By the way, not only does the thigh model shown on AOL's Welcome Screen have an unacceptably Large Bust, which should have been fashionably eliminated, according to the directions in suggestion in No. 1, but if HER thighs need trimming down, Suzanne Somers is a rhinocerous. 

3. Flatten Belly Bulges

No belly bulges? What's a guy going to hang on to?  Now that you are carefully minimizing your boobs and your thighs are invisible, if you don't look at them, there's nothing but your bulges to help him gain a foothold. The fashionable AOL solution?  Wear black. A great beach color. Why didn't you think of this before? Take off all your clothes.  Then cover your large chest, enormous thighs, and multiple belly rolls in something dark and no one will notice.

4.  Hide Your Hips

Their suggestion? Draw attention away from your hippo hips up to your new, eensy weensy bust [see No. 1, if you haven't been paying attention].  You can do this by using flashing orange lights on your hooters and they'll never notice that YOU have hips that need more parking space than a tractor trailer. My suggestion for hiding those double wides on the beach?  Wear a raincoat.

5. Conceal a Big Butt

Well, at least they came out and called a fat ass a fat ass. But I love that AOL assures widebodied women that you can "de-emphasize your rear with a solid bottom and a patterned top."  Kinda like you can hide a '49 Packard under a tarp.  Sure, as long as it's a solid color everything will be completely invisible.

I hope that the next Welcome Screen has five suggestions for guys:
1. Minimize your man boobs
2. Grooming the hair on your back
3. Polish sausage or lead pipe?
4. Husky or just plain fat?
5. Speedos suck



billierwilson said...

i had similar thoughts when i saw that welcome screen, and then thought to myself, how do you combine all that on my frame( i have ass for days and still get my share of attention) and still not be too long and straight as they tell you to avoid in the skirted suit entry. oh well, celebrating curves seems to be the only true solution.
love your journal!

belfastcowboy75 said...

Nothing like paying $23 a month to have your flaws pointed out. While the nymphette on the hide is indeed fetching, real men know that female beauty comes in many forms and shapes and sizes. When you understand this, you don't need the kielbasa.

sunnyside46 said...

yeah, well , i hate to dissappoint the screaming hordes that are just dying to see me in a bathing suit,so I put on anything that doesn't bind & will stay in place when a wave hits and go about my merry way!

suzypwr said...

None of those things are flaws, (except on your list) so I think we just need to flaunt and strut. Women have body parts. Men like them.

How to make a man like 10 lbs of fat? Put a nipple on it.


mombzbe said...

I went shopping for bathing suits just the other day, and I had a great time!  I didn't even need to try them on.
I got two little halter suits, with little skirt attached, and charming appliques in the middle of the chest.

Course, I was shopping for my three year old......

bosoxblue6993w said...

lead pipe huh?    HMMMM.    THIS GIVES ME AN IDEA.    "planning to install plumbing ... or just happy to see me?"

robbush6 said...

I was just sitting here thinking, "When is Mrs. L. going to update her damn journal?" Feeling a bit manic today, are we?

Kielbasa makes me gassy. I'll take the lead.

judithheartsong said...

look at those bubbles! Seriously Mrs. L....... you need a column. The masses need your wit and wisdom. This has to be one of my favorite entries. judi

mosie1944 said...

I love it!

swmpgrly said...

lol thank god for aol