Out of necessity, Mrs. Linklater leaves her favorite spot, standing with the refrigerator door open, to once again prevent another advice column crime against humanity.
Whenever she sees the M word in the headline, Mrs. L knows it's just a matter of time before she has to
hike up her bra and come to the rescue of someone with a Mother From
Hell. Nobody can take on these Monster Moms like Mrs. Linklater.
Unfortunately the advice columnist gets first crack.
The clear picture: Mom is cruel
JEANNE PHILLIPS [DEAR ABBY]
Published August 26, 2005 Chicago Tribune
Dear Abby: I am not a pretty woman,
and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in
numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special
When my family has get-togethers
with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings
photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or
circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please
stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at
me, just at the picture.
I'm tired of being laughed at, and
after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does
she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport?
-- Negative About the Photos, Manhattan, Kan.
Dear Negative: You're not a poor
sport; your mother has a cruel streak. No one taught her that true
humor lies inthe ability to laugh with people rather than atthem.
Because this has been her pattern
for 50 years, it's unlikely you will ever change her. However, it may
console you to know that by insisting on displaying those unflattering
pictures, your mother is revealing more about her character than
anything in the photos.
Holy Joan Crawford Eyebrows!!! Mrs. Linklater is here to spoil someone's day, so let's start with Dear Abby.
Abby, is anybody home? Basically your advice to this fifty year victim of a cruel and unusual mother is to DO NOTHING?!
She's already done that for fifty
years. If ever there was an opportunity to take this to the next
level, it is today!
Mrs. Linklater has one word to cure this wicked witch masquerading as a nurturing parent -- PHOTOSHOP.
No need to resort to a website with Mom's head superimposed over nude photos, although the thought did cross Mrs. L's mind.
A framed photo of her head with the
body of a babe in a dominatrix outfit, complete with black bustier,
thigh high boots, and a black leather whip is much faster and far less
You can leave this little
momento surreptitiously on the night table, the piano, or any place
there are family pictures arranged in a group.
The daughter can make arrangements
to visit all the relatives and family friends and leave more copies
around their homes when they think she's gone to the bathroom.
Should she run out of money for
frames she can just slip one into a family album. Or stick one on a
refrigerator that's already full of family photos.
If the dominatrix outfit seems a
bit over the top, and Mrs. Linklater can't see how that would be
possible, the body of a typical "big-boned" American, frolicking at the
beach, is another option for this vendetta, sorry, justified payback.
If there's time, a whole series of
photos created with Mom's head on some very scary bodies could be made
into a leatherbound album with OUR DEAR MOTHER embossed on the front.
Her daughter could leave it on a coffee table at the next family
gathering when no one's in the room.
It may take awhile, but slowly,
members of the family will begin to notice the unusual photo in their
midst and start calling Mom to ask her about it. Or somebody
watching TV might notice the album during the get together and run to
show it to everyone.
New albums and new photos should
continue to appear until Mom is embarrassed enough to end her nasty
ways. And write I THINK MY DAUGHTER IS A LOVELY PERSON INSIDE AND OUT a
hundred times on the blackboard.
Just so she doesn't completely
violate the terms of her parole, Mrs. Linklater's stealth plan to Stick
it to Mom also includes assertiveness training and a makeover for the
allegedly unphotogenic daughter. Perhaps a new hairdo, makeup and
maybe some those da Vinci veneers.
Who knew a life of service could be so rewarding?