Friday, August 26, 2005

Ask Mrs. Linklater "Mommie Dearest" Edition

Out of necessity, Mrs. Linklater leaves her favorite spot, standing with the refrigerator door open, to once again prevent another advice column crime against humanity.  

Whenever she sees the M word in the headline, Mrs. L knows it's just a matter of time before she has to hike up her bra and come to the rescue of someone with a Mother From Hell. Nobody can take on these Monster Moms like Mrs. Linklater.  Unfortunately the advice columnist gets first crack.

The clear picture: Mom is cruel

Published August 26, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I am not a pretty woman, and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special occasions.

When my family has get-togethers with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at me, just at the picture.

I'm tired of being laughed at, and after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport?

-- Negative About the Photos, Manhattan, Kan.

Dear Negative: You're not a poor sport; your mother has a cruel streak. No one taught her that true humor lies inthe ability to laugh with people rather than atthem.

Because this has been her pattern for 50 years, it's unlikely you will ever change her. However, it may console you to know that by insisting on displaying those unflattering pictures, your mother is revealing more about her character than anything in the photos.

Holy Joan Crawford Eyebrows!!! Mrs. Linklater is here to spoil someone's day, so let's start with Dear Abby.

Abby, is anybody home? Basically your advice to this fifty year victim of a cruel and unusual mother is to DO NOTHING?!

She's already done that for fifty years.  If ever there was an opportunity to take this to the next level, it is today!

Mrs. Linklater has one word to cure this wicked witch masquerading as a nurturing parent -- PHOTOSHOP.

No need to resort to a website with Mom's head superimposed over nude photos, although the thought did cross Mrs. L's mind.

A framed photo of her head with the body of a babe in a dominatrix outfit, complete with black bustier, thigh high boots, and a black leather whip is much faster and far less expensive.  

You can leave this little momento surreptitiously on the night table, the piano, or any place there are family pictures arranged in a group.  

The daughter can make arrangements to visit all the relatives and family friends and leave more copies around their homes when they think she's gone to the bathroom.

Should she run out of money for frames she can just slip one into a family album. Or stick one on a refrigerator that's already full of family photos.

If the dominatrix outfit seems a bit over the top, and Mrs. Linklater can't see how that would be possible, the body of a typical "big-boned" American, frolicking at the beach, is another option for this vendetta, sorry, justified payback.  

If there's time, a whole series of photos created with Mom's head on some very scary bodies could be made into a leatherbound album with OUR DEAR MOTHER embossed on the front. Her daughter could leave it on a coffee table at the next family gathering when no one's in the room.  

It may take awhile, but slowly, members of the family will begin to notice the unusual photo in their midst and start calling Mom to ask her about it.  Or somebody watching TV might notice the album during the get together and run to show it to everyone.

New albums and new photos should continue to appear until Mom is embarrassed enough to end her nasty ways. And write I THINK MY DAUGHTER IS A LOVELY PERSON INSIDE AND OUT a hundred times on the blackboard.    

Just so she doesn't completely violate the terms of her parole, Mrs. Linklater's stealth plan to Stick it to Mom also includes assertiveness training and a makeover for the allegedly unphotogenic daughter. Perhaps a new hairdo, makeup and maybe some those da Vinci veneers.  

Who knew a life of service could be so rewarding?


artloner said...

I think I am eventually going to have to break down and submit my own Mommie-Dearest to Mrs Linklater for review.  <sigh>


sunnyside46 said...

i just love you

ksquester said...

PERFECT advise. Anne

gaboatman said...

Who knew, indeed, Mrs. L!  Your little "Lessons in Life" have given me a whole new perspective as I read any future Ann Landers or Dear Abbey columns.  Having just learned of your advanced knowledge of  the Photoshop picture editing program, I am taking the morning off to go back and examine all photos submitted in your past columns.  <wink>

jevanslink said...

Yeah, all that Indian food started out as Arby's.  Mrs. L

swibirun said...

Dear Abby is fired, it's Mrs. L from now on!  I read this in the paper and thought she was way off base but you made it so much funnier!


suzypwr said...

I think the daughter can find appropriate fodder at the Krispy Kreme Calendar for 2006, which just came out. Momma's face on one of those in the family album should do it.


shaz19743 said...

I bet mommy dearest aint no oil paintng and gets a kick out of making herself feel better by making her daughter look uglier than she herself is inside and out !
Your advice is spot on as always .......photoshop can do wonders x

swmpgrly said...

I think thats a great idea!