Children and More Sensitive Readers May Want To Skip This Entry

Some people get flu. Some people get colds. I get food poisoning.  

Why? Because I eat out a lot. As a result I don't have any control over how things are being prepared for me, except to ask for no mayonnaise, or may I have it grilled instead of fried, or please put the dressing on the side, that kind of stuff.

For all I know my salmon filet has been picked up off the floor and the lettuce in my salad was dried by wiping it on someone's dirty jeans.

Having found an inch worm making its way across my arugula at a very fancy eatery, I do not have high expectations about where my food has been or what has been done to it. As long as whatever is on the plate looks, smells, and tastes close to what I was expecting, I plunge right in.  

So I am a frequent candidate for food poisoning, usually the 24- hour type, except for this bout, which I have been recovering from since Wednesday.

I don't know which of the prior five or six meals was the one that got to me, but I was in my car, about fifteen minutes after a ladies lunch that was served with a gorgeous, panoramic view of a snowcapped golf course, when the contractions began. I am not pregnant. But a delivery was imminent. [I just know there's a UPS joke in there.]

So I called someone who lived nearby and asked if i could use one of their bathrooms for the rest of the day. After two hours I was flushed with relief and felt it was safe enough to head home. That day gave new meaning to being an evacuee.

Last time I got food poisoning this bad, twenty years ago, [passing blood] I went to the hospital for almost a week, but not this time.

I wasn't throwing up, so I could get fluids down. No need for IV's. And my crackers, rice, 7-UP, tea, chicken broth, jello, bananas [thanks for the reminder], and applesauce menu is better than anything at the hospital. Cheaper too.

Next time I get sick I'm checking into a hotel. So I can have someone clean my room and make my bed fresh every day. So I can make a phone call and people will bring my food to me. So there won't be any doctors telling me things I already know.  "Soft foods, plenty of fluids. . ."

My biggest complaint is that I have had to miss two parties I was really looking forward to. My timing sucks when it comes to my social life. "Coulda woulda shoulda" will be my epitaph.

Meanwhile, every hour or so I start having unpleasant contractions, okay, cramping, but it all feels the same, in case you've never experienced childbirth. Yes, I did some Lamaze breathing to get through it. You never think that stuff is going to come in handy again. Who knew?

Don't get me started on the alternate uses for Kegels.

Anyway, I'm sure my neighbors think I'm out of town, since my car is buried up to the hubcaps in snow. I haven't even been out to get the mail. I better do something or they're going to think I'm dead. What if they send the cops to do a wellness check? I'm at that age where it could happen.

Geez. That just means I should probably get up and get dressed even though I don't want to, because they'll break down the door when I decide not to answer it, since I'm not clothed for company.  This could get ugly. 

I just looked in the mirror.  It already is.