Saturday, December 10, 2005

Children and More Sensitive Readers May Want To Skip This Entry

Some people get flu. Some people get colds. I get food poisoning.  

Why? Because I eat out a lot. As a result I don't have any control over how things are being prepared for me, except to ask for no mayonnaise, or may I have it grilled instead of fried, or please put the dressing on the side, that kind of stuff.

For all I know my salmon filet has been picked up off the floor and the lettuce in my salad was dried by wiping it on someone's dirty jeans.

Having found an inch worm making its way across my arugula at a very fancy eatery, I do not have high expectations about where my food has been or what has been done to it. As long as whatever is on the plate looks, smells, and tastes close to what I was expecting, I plunge right in.  

So I am a frequent candidate for food poisoning, usually the 24- hour type, except for this bout, which I have been recovering from since Wednesday.

I don't know which of the prior five or six meals was the one that got to me, but I was in my car, about fifteen minutes after a ladies lunch that was served with a gorgeous, panoramic view of a snowcapped golf course, when the contractions began. I am not pregnant. But a delivery was imminent. [I just know there's a UPS joke in there.]

So I called someone who lived nearby and asked if i could use one of their bathrooms for the rest of the day. After two hours I was flushed with relief and felt it was safe enough to head home. That day gave new meaning to being an evacuee.

Last time I got food poisoning this bad, twenty years ago, [passing blood] I went to the hospital for almost a week, but not this time.

I wasn't throwing up, so I could get fluids down. No need for IV's. And my crackers, rice, 7-UP, tea, chicken broth, jello, bananas [thanks for the reminder], and applesauce menu is better than anything at the hospital. Cheaper too.

Next time I get sick I'm checking into a hotel. So I can have someone clean my room and make my bed fresh every day. So I can make a phone call and people will bring my food to me. So there won't be any doctors telling me things I already know.  "Soft foods, plenty of fluids. . ."

My biggest complaint is that I have had to miss two parties I was really looking forward to. My timing sucks when it comes to my social life. "Coulda woulda shoulda" will be my epitaph.

Meanwhile, every hour or so I start having unpleasant contractions, okay, cramping, but it all feels the same, in case you've never experienced childbirth. Yes, I did some Lamaze breathing to get through it. You never think that stuff is going to come in handy again. Who knew?

Don't get me started on the alternate uses for Kegels.

Anyway, I'm sure my neighbors think I'm out of town, since my car is buried up to the hubcaps in snow. I haven't even been out to get the mail. I better do something or they're going to think I'm dead. What if they send the cops to do a wellness check? I'm at that age where it could happen.

Geez. That just means I should probably get up and get dressed even though I don't want to, because they'll break down the door when I decide not to answer it, since I'm not clothed for company.  This could get ugly. 

I just looked in the mirror.  It already is.


mosie1944 said...

I think I sense a change for the better.  You're starting to sound like your old "normal" self.

ksquester said...

OK, Now I really feel sorry for you. Having had the same "bout" as you, I remember how horrible it is.  If it weren't for the kindness of friends, I think I would have died. My dear husband, slept through the whole process of my laying on the bathroom floor and moaning. Once he got up, he had an early morning surgery and had to leave. After calling a friend, she brought me medicine to stop "everything" and all the things for the B.R.A.T. diet.  Here's hoping for a speedy recovery. If I lived closer, I'd bring you homemade soup.   ANNE

sdoscher458 said...

Jeeze...that sounds bad. I've had it where it last just a short time, but yours is going on for quite a while. Once in Tokyo I drank well water by mistake..I thought I was going to die..I needed an IV, I lost 5 lbs of fluid in one believe me I can feel your pain.  I hope you feel better soon. You should check with your friends from the luncheon you may not be the only one affected....Sandi

ally123130585918 said...

I know I shouldn't laugh - and I know I should be full of sympathic words for you - but for the life of me I cant, I laughed all the way thro' reading your entry.....You would never again eat out at restaurants if you did the "Food Hygiene Coarse" - The things you talk about really do happen...Next time you get food poisoning you will do just as well to check into an Hotel = cheaper and MAYBE Safer..(Check the Kitchens out first!!!)  ...Im glad the evacuee got home safely in the end...."Coulda woulda shoulda" sounds a good epitaph...

suzypwr said...

I think a lot of what people call "the flu" is food poisoning. I also think sometimes it's from soap left on the dishes. Anyway, you got a bad little buggy and I hope it, uh, passes soon. I too have seen things like live spiders walk out of my salads. I try to tell myself that means it's fresh. We can't live in a vacuum, right? Feel better, Mrs. L.


psychfun said...

HA! Hey...could be a cute cop & you know they do have handcuffs! (oops did I say that...must be my own unconscious desires! HA!) You know there are also some pretty cute doctors if you have to seek some medical treatment! ;-) What the heck you might as well get something for the suffering. I know though, worse time when you aren't feeling your bestr...bad impression...but you can always go thank them later when you are feeling well! :-) Are you sure it isn't IBS? I love the hotel idea except your other comforts of home are not around. That sounds like a good idea for some kind of temporary hospice place...of course insurance covering it though. What?! They had the parties without you? For Shame! I'd demand a "redo" of hte party! :-) Call a few neighbors. Have someone bring your mail to your door & leave it & then you just have to open the door. Call a teenager in the area who needs a few gas $ & have them do your driveway & car & leave some $ in an envelope outside the door for them when they are done! If your not too weak, take a bath or shower. It makes all the difference for me. Even if you still put sweats on or something after it will help. Hope you are feeling better soon. Dang this was long &'d think I had kids? Maybe it is just from all the personal experience! HA! Hope your back to yourself soon!

shaz19743 said...

Been lucky to never have had food poisoning but did throw up three days straight once after getting a stomach bug on holiday and believe me i am feeling your pain on the whole "labour like " cramping thang .
Hell if i hadnt known better id have thought i was gonna deliver right there on the hotel bathroom floor !
Take it easy Mrs L and have a slug of 7 up x

bluwave9 said...

I haven't had food poisoning for a long, long time, but I remember how hellish it can be.

Alternate uses for Kegels?  No, I don't think I wanna get you started on that one :)

Feel better.

screaminremo303 said...

Salads are a major source of food poisoning, not because of the dressings, but because Juan Hernandez doesn't want to walk a 1/4 mile across the lettuce field to use the porta-potty. He'd lose money and risk being picked off by INS. So he drops trou in the field and loosens his load, using a nice crisp head of Iceberg to get himself springtime fresh downunder.

Bon Apetit!

pattboy2006 said...

This will sound like a dumb question, but most people don't know the answer.

Does your state or county do restaurant health inspections?  If so, it's likely that they require restaurants to post the grades on their front door or near the entrance.  Years ago, I learned all about restaurant inspections when I was a reporter.  I was getting footage of one restaurant with a giant red "C"-grade on their door and people were walking right in completely oblivious to it.

Next time you go out to eat, look for the grade or score.  You might be surprised at how some well-known restaurants are doing.

Glad you're still on the mend, and I'll have to remember the food poisoning recipe...just in case.


mombzbe said...

"Coulda woulda shoulda"....eaten in.  lol

sunnyside46 said...

god love ya .I hate you were sick.
Children and the sensitive should probably avoid your journal anyway.