Monday, March 6, 2006

Tires R Us

I went out to my Jeep this morning and it had a flat tire.  You'd think after putting air in it every day for a month, it would have plenty to spare. The good news is that it went flat in my driveway, not in the parking lot of the Sugar Shack.

From the driveway, I only had to drive half a mile to my mechanic, Mr. Moon from Korea, who bows when he presents my bill. One of his uniformed assistants found the HUGE HOLE causing the flat, using the time honored ancient Korean method of squeezing soapy liquid around the tire until the leak started blowing bubbles everywhere -- like when a baby has a cold and blows those huge mucous balloon things out of its nose. Tire farts.

The large size of the hole was probably caused by the rim of the wheel slicing into the tire like a knife as it rotated on the short drive from my house to Mr. Moon's place of business. I originally thought that driving the car fast on the way over would help keep the tire from touching the ground too much, so it wouldn't get more damaged. Guess it didn't work.

After announcing that I had a flat tire as I drove up, Mr. Moon continued to state the obvious. It needs air he said after finding the hole. So he pumped extra air into it, along with providing a temporary plug that looked remarkably like a stick of Pupperoni. Now I could get to the Just Tires place for a replacement without listing to the right.

Not that I was supposed to be downtown working during all this or anything.  Nothing a couple of phone calls couldn't fix, of course. Maybe I should have made them. Kidding.

The damaged tire held up perfectly for the three mile trip to Just Tires, thanks to Mr. Moon's twelve years of experience working as a mechanic for the American Army.  And watching re-runs of MASH.

Meanwhile I was calculating what a new tire was going to cost.  I figured probably around $150.  But this was Just Tires, whose motto is, It's Just Money. After the manager carefully inspected the tires on my car by looking up when they were purchased, he suddenly realized that I had another problem. While typing on his keyboard, he somehow ascertained there were hairline cracks in my remaining tires, which meant *GASP* they could give out at anytime. And he wouldn't feel right sending me down the road with just the one new tire now thatall of them were at risk.

Miraculously, this frightening discovery coincided with a lucky happenstance: Just Tires was having a SALE on TIRES -- the very ones that would fit my car.

Who said that service is a thing of the past?  

I rather enjoyed the reason they were on sale. It wasn't because of March Madness, St. Patrick's Day, Seasonal Affective Disorder, or any national promotion you might expect.  The manager shrugged his shoulders and said, "Yeah. I guess they are on sale because they made too many."  They made too many?  Perhaps nobody wants to buy them.  The thought crossed my mind.

But it went away after I convinced myself I got a deal. Almost forty per cent off tires nobody wants?  I'm in. Throw in the five year or 50,000 mile lifetime replacement guarantee too. Add a couple of new thingys you need to hook up the air hose to. Don't forget the service fee for getting rid of the old tires. Then buy lunch for the tire changing crew and we're good to go.

Actually, I really could tell the difference immediately on the road today. Nobody was honking at me and pointing towards the ground in the area of my right bumper and making the universal pancake gesture for you've got a flat tire. 

I also love how the GOODYEAR WRANGLER lettering glows in the dark when the Jeep is parked.


mosie1944 said...

Thanks for reminding me of one of the reasons why it's good to have a husband, and also why it's good to have a shop built for said husband.  I don't drive, but if I DID... I'd never have to pay anyone to do these menial tasks.  

As it is, one night of wild sex pays for anything.  Including chauffer service and motorcycle rides.  Wait... does that make me a prostitute?  

sdoscher458 said...

Glad you had better luck with your tires than my hubby did. After purchasing new back tires he got half a block away from the place both tires flew off! The mechanic had forgotten to use the hydraulic wrench to tighten the bolts...SAndi

suzypwr said...

After letting your tire go flat several times and then driving on it, woman, you deserved to pay for all new tires. I hope you got a new spare too, not that you would ever use it, right? LMAO! Now don't blame the tire guys if your radiator spews. Not their fault. Hopefully. They do have a men's room, right?


mombzbe said...

I hate dealing with vehicular issues, but I suck it up and do it.
You see, it would probably be considered poor form to have four kids pushing their own van thru the intersection.

Although, I'm sure that at some point, I might be able to train them to be my own pit crew.

swibirun said...

You have the most entertaining writing style I have ever read.  Hell, you just made me enjoy reading about a flat tire and laugh about it.  Sienfeldian, you are.


screaminremo303 said...

You drove FASTER? Because you thought it would keep the tire in less contact with the ground??  Wow.

You need to refill the bottle of blonde. You're about a quart shy of a full dipstick.

jevanslink said...

Something like that works in a convertible. If it's not raining too hard and the top's down the drops don't hit you as long as you keep moving.  Mrs. L

bluwave9 said...

I wish I could say that I find the whole idea of driving faster when you have a flat tire to be completely absurd, but, unfortunately, I understand the logic.  

I always learn something new when I come visit.