It could happen.
A recent study by AARP suggests
that the best way to handle the Social Security crisis is to raise the
retirement age from 65 to 70.
Using nice round pie charts and a bunch of
colorful graphs, the president of AARP, Arliss Chandler, presented the case for raising
the age of eligibility to the House Committee on the effects of Viagra
on our aging population.
"We have determined that hundreds
of thousands of boomers who have reached their sixties are lying about
their age on those internet dating sites, so we're going to hold them
to it.," said Congressman Merv Danforth (R) New Hampshire, whose combover doesn't show in the right
"We catch you lying and saying
you're fifty-five when you're really sixty - two, well, you can kiss
your Social Security benefits good bye until you're a whole lot older,"
Seniors who haven't been lying
about their age in an attempt to hook up with some young stuff at
Match.com or any of the other internet meeting places can claim their
benefits the regular way. By standing in line for years or
remaining on hold indefinitely hoping someone will take the time to
"Basically, you can have sex or you can have Social Security,"
explained Ellie Mae Genovese, 75, who has been saying sex is overrated
for fifty years. "You want sex? You don't get no Social Security.
Many seniors are caught between getting on with retirement or getting
off with some 54 year old nymphette. Viagra has altered the landscape
for those living past sixty, if you take the time to read between the
A number of senators speaking off the record say they're hoping that
heart attacks from Viagra will help with attrition among seniors. "The
aging population needs to die. And hurry up already. They're too many of them for us to
take care of. Sex is the only thing that seems to get them to volunteer for an early death," said one
official who spoke on condition of double top secrecy.
get them to row a boat out into the ocean anymore like we used to in
the old days. That worked like gangbusters until Dateline started investigating. Now the wrinkled old crones all want a
one week cruise first. Fine by me, but you try to find those old farts when the
cruise is over and it's time for them to jump ship if you catch my drift. Our people have
become quite frustrated by the lack of cooperation and take to tossing
anybody overboard just to let off some steam. Lately, it's getting harder
and harder to cover up the missing bodies," said a spokeperson for
Disney's Big Red Boat, a popular family cruise that prides itself on
limiting the number of "elderly" by getting them to dive overboard for quarters.
Fifty thousand men in their early sixties have already answered the
siren song of Viagra and gone to the great hot tub in the sky.
"Only five or ten million to go," said Senator Barry Buttreau (D) Alabama, "and
we've got this aging population thing knocked," claimed the legislator.
Meanwhile, NBC Today Show Host, Matt Lauer, confirmed that wearing white
after Labor Day is no longer the dreaded fashion faux pas of the past.