Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Social Security Eligibility Age Raised to Seventy

It could happen.

A recent study by AARP suggests that the best way to handle the Social Security crisis is to raise the retirement age from 65 to 70. 

Using nice round pie charts and a bunch of colorful graphs, the president of AARP, Arliss Chandler, presented the case for raising the age of eligibility to the House Committee on the effects of Viagra on our aging population.

"We have determined that hundreds of thousands of boomers who have reached their sixties are lying about their age on those internet dating sites, so we're going to hold them to it.," said Congressman Merv Danforth (R) New Hampshire, whose combover doesn't show in the right light.

"We catch you lying and saying you're fifty-five when you're really sixty - two, well, you can kiss your Social Security benefits good bye until you're a whole lot older," he explained.

Seniors who haven't been lying about their age in an attempt to hook up with some young stuff at or any of the other internet meeting places can claim their benefits the regular way.   By standing in line for years or remaining on hold indefinitely hoping someone will take the time to help them.

"Basically, you can have sex or you can have Social Security," explained Ellie Mae Genovese, 75, who has been saying sex is overrated for fifty years. "You want sex? You don't get no Social Security. Capiche?"

Many seniors are caught between getting on with retirement or getting off with some 54 year old nymphette. Viagra has altered the landscape for those living past sixty, if you take the time to read between the lines.

A number of senators speaking off the record say they're hoping that heart attacks from Viagra will help with attrition among seniors. "The aging population needs to die. And hurry up already. They're too many of them for us to take care of. Sex is the only thing that seems to get them to volunteer for an early death," said one official who spoke on condition of double top secrecy.

"We can't get them to row a boat out into the ocean anymore like we used to in the old days. That worked like gangbusters until Dateline started investigating. Now the wrinkled old crones all want a one week cruise first. Fine by me, but you try to find those old farts when the cruise is over and it's time for them to jump ship if you catch my drift. Our people have become quite frustrated by the lack of cooperation and take to tossing anybody overboard just to let off some steam. Lately, it's getting harder and harder to cover up the missing bodies," said a spokeperson for Disney's Big Red Boat, a popular family cruise that prides itself on limiting the number of "elderly" by getting them to dive overboard for quarters.

Fifty thousand men in their early sixties have already answered the siren song of Viagra and gone to the great hot tub in the sky.  "Only five or ten million to go," said Senator Barry Buttreau (D) Alabama, "and we've got this aging population thing knocked," claimed the legislator.

Meanwhile, NBC Today Show Host, Matt Lauer, confirmed that wearing white after Labor Day is no longer the dreaded fashion faux pas of the past.


screaminremo303 said...

Lemme guess. The check is a little late this month?

You're funnier when you edit.

jevanslink said...

Just who would be sending me a check, holster breath?

Mrs. L

suzypwr said...

That is not a choice I want to make.


sdoscher458 said...

I enjoy your sense of humor...riddled with a bit of truth to it.  I do believe they wish we would all go poof! and disappear after turning 60.....Sandi

swibirun said...

As opposed to some blogs which make me feel like hacking.

swibirun said...

What about all those young guys who have sex with older women, can they collect SS?  ha ha

Mrs. L, this was excellent and belongs in a publication somewhere.  Your writing makes me feel like a hack.


mombzbe said...

This, this is like picking the true story out of all the fake ones on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" (NPR).   Good stuff :D

Do I get your voice on my answering machine?