There's been a big push for sixth grade girls to get this new HPV vaccine. Gee, I wonder who's behind that initiative? Oh, wait, it's Merck, the giant drug company that invented the vaccine. Quelle surprise!
I wonder how that marketing meeting went?
Herb, why don't you share your thinking with us. Thanks Al. Okay,
everybody, you know that HPV vaccine we've been working on -- well, it
has already cost us an arm and a leg to produce. We're into our fourth
cost overrun. Melba in accounting made a slight miscalculation in the
number of viruses we had to kill. Do you have any idea how many of
those pesky bugs can cause cervical cancer? Sheesh, there's what?
Eleven, twelve, eighteen? Polio and smallpox were nothing
compared to this bunch.
The problem is our R and D guys couldn't get all the viruses into the
loop. We got two of those bad boys, though. Bottomline, that means the vaccine only works
about seventy percent of the time. There's a thirty per cent chance it
won't do any good. However, no need to dwell on the negative.
The thing is how are we going to get grown women to pony up the big
dough on this thing with those kinds of percentages. We're looking at a
couple of hundred dollars at least for each of the shots.
Not to mention, when they find out that the damn stuff may not work a third of the time,
those bitches will have us by the short hairs.
Know what I mean?
So, I'm proposing that we
get the feds to make the vaccine mandatory for all virgins. For the
good of the country. I know I know, there aren't that many left and it
wouldn't be cost effective to track down those three or four women.
So whaddya say we try sixth grade girls? Some of them still haven't had
It shouldn't take much, all we have to do is make moms and dads think
their precious little princesses are going to die of a terminal sexually transmitted disease
unless they get the shots. Remember what a success we had with AIDS. Maybe we can even get Sanjaya to be our
You figure a couple of hundred bucks times every sixth grade girl in
the country, and we're talking IPOsize moolah. Trust me, it's a slam
Thanks, Herb. I think you've made some persuasive arguments, so let's put it to a vote. All in favor. . .
The most absurd arguments against the HPV vaccine are being propagated
by the people who think it'll give little girls carte blanche to start
having sex promiscuously. Mommy, now that I got the vaccine, can Billy
and I engage in sexual intercourse after school today?
An eleven year old girl's normal reaction to sex is
EEEEEEWWW. If you find one who's giving blowjobs and
turning tricks at that age, it ain't because she got some
The real problem is that a drug company is trying to foist a half
baked, very expensive idea on the entire country, using the government
to back them up.
Worldwide, cervical cancer is a major problem. Not here. Thanks to
Pap tests. In fact, the vaccine still won't eliminate the need for
regular Pap tests, which remain the best defense a woman has against
Unless you want to be a nun. For years they couldn't figure out why nuns didn't get cervical cancer.