I have a solution to the teen pregnancy problem, which has recently notched up its numbers after years of gradual decline. While many have pointed out that federal funding to teach only sexual abstinence and not provide information about condoms, the pill, or any number of pregnancy prevention inventions may be partly to blame, I think a better translation of the Korean instruction manual kids are using couldn't hurt.
However, no need to introduce drastic measures such as female circumcision yet, which won't stop pregnancy, but may scare the crap out of young girls long enough to keep the barn door closed until they are 21. Nor would I want to embrace any of the punishment options offered to parents of young girls who live in Muslim and Hindu countries. Death by stoning or setting her on fire seems so final.
This week People Magazine steps up to the plate with poignant personal accounts of what happens to American teens when pregnancy puts a crimp in their social lives. Here is a capsule summary of what they wrote: Girl gets pregnant. Girl gets stuck with all the responsibility. The more things change the more things stay the same.
There wasn't one photo of an expectant father. Or a name to go with the DNA he donated to the event. So here are my suggestions to help young men understand that there's no free hootchie cootchie.
While we hardly expect males to stop dipping their unprotected wicks wherever they want, we have to draw the line at porking underage teen girls. However, in a magnanimous gesture, it's only when they actually produce an eating peeping pooping screaming machine that young men will have to pay for their lapse in judgment. So in an effort to discourage impregnating girls under 18, we suggest the punishment of:
a. a lifetime listing on the national register as a sexual predator, plus
b. an automatic $500 a month payable to the teen mother to use as she sees fit, adjusted for inflation until the baby is 18, plus
c. his name, address, and picture in the local paper as the father of an unnamed baby, when it is born.
Or to avoid the financial, social, and personal embarrassment of a, b, and c, the father can also opt to have one or more offending parts of his anatomy removed and kept on display in a jar as a reminder to any testosterone poisoned male who thinks that ten minutes offull contact noogie is worth leaving a teenage girl with a lifetime of low income jobs, insurmountable debt, neglected children, unfinished education, and overwhelming responsibility.
Trust me, once the fathers have to face real consequences, teen pregnancies would become extinct.
Ah, there's nothing like the warm and fuzzy feeling I get when I can make the world a better place.