Saturday, April 19, 2008

Oh, Look -- An Episode of Ask Mrs. Linklater!

Mrs. Linklater makes her usual apology for taking her slow, sweet time getting back here to napalm the wingdings who call themselves advice columnists. But lately she's been on a personal crusade to rid the world of dryer lint and she just got back from the landfill.

Needless to say, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Usually it's the answers that drive Mrs. L to run screaming from the room.  This time it was the world's stupidest QUESTION that caused Mrs. Linklater to spew milk through her nose and accidentally fart when she burped afterward. Not pretty.

To make matters worse, Abba Dabba's reply was almost as lame as the question. So sit back, relax, and watch Ms. Cranky Pants work her magic at no cost to you.


DEAR ABBY: For most of my life, I have parted my hair on the right. I am now being told that men should part their hair on the left. Is there a correct side for men?


DEAR HARRY: I relayed your question to my hair design consultant, Bob Cox. According to Bob, people naturally have a cowlick (or "whorl") on one side of their scalp from which the hair growth pattern emerges. (Some people have two, although one is usually stronger than the other.) This is what determines which way the hair will naturally fall when it is parted.

Bob went on to relate the story of a client who had recently been referred to him. The gentleman had been going to his former barber for 15 years, and for 15 years his hair had never been easy to manage. Over the last couple of years, the problem had become so bad that his wife had to help him part his hair in the morning.

Bob took one look and realized the former barber had been parting the man's hair on the wrong side, which had been causing it to stick up. The problem was resolved with one appointment.


Mrs. Linklater pulls the lever on her polyester plaid LA Z BOY and launches herself into the upright and locked position. That's so she can take a deep breath of air before she shouts:

You've got to be sheeting me!!

Someone has actually asked an advice maven what side of his hair he should part it on? What's next? Which finger should he use to find boogers?  Which hand should hold the tissue that wipes his butt? Which armpit should he check for B.O.?

No doubt, in an attempt to prevent future lawsuits, Abby can't just ignore Harry, who was dumb enough to sign his name and the town where he lives. She calls in a hair design consultant named Bob.  This, in case you were wondering, is not a person who styles hair for a living.  That would be a hair stylist. This is the person who stands behind the hair stylist and advises them where to put the part. Imagine, a person who gets to spend his entire professional career giving advice about which side of your head is the best side for splitting hairs.

Excuse me, is the Apocalypse here or is this just a rehearsal?

Any idiot knows that if you're lefthanded you part your hair on the left. If you're righthanded you part your hair on the right. Or, if you've got a cowlick, you can just comb your hair straight back and it will make its own part for you.

Sheesh, next time could you people wait until Mrs. Linklater is done napping before you insist on annoying her with this stuff?


salemslot9 said...

"you can just comb your hair straight back and it will make its own part for you"
my hair is parted in the middle

swibirun said...

I used to get Moses....errr....I mean Charlton Heston to part my hair, but now I guess I'm on my own.  Just as well, although it was fun watching all the dandruff in their fancy chariots getting swamped when he closed the part.

screaminremo303 said...

Um, I hate to tell you this but I'm right-handed and I've always parted my hair on the left.

Somehow I doubt you're surprised I'm against the trend.

blossomcat said...

Some people are too stupid to live.....Don't you just wonder how some of them make it thru life.......The thing that I wonder the most is how these fools and jerks always seeem to find each other?????     They must have some radar that says "I am an idiot and I am looking for like kind."    

Another thing that amazes me is the warning they have on things.    Do not his self on head with hammer.  Do not use hairdryer in the shower etc.


jevanslink said...

NOTE TO SWIBIRUN:  I wondered who would do a Charlton Heston joke.

NOTE TO REMO:  I bet you do other things lefty, you're just not at liberty to talk about it.

Mrs. L

robingrg2 said...

I'd like to think Harry was just testing 'ol Abby to see if she'd even respond to such a stupid question.  

Robin in Texas

mombzbe said...

Maybe she could have told him to stop worrying about it----and shave his head.

ber144 said...

The only reason I was bummed when the Trib dropped Dear Abby is that I thought it would end your advice giving career.  I am happy to see how very wrong I was.

That has to be the dumbest question I have ever seen in an advice column.

suzypwr said...

I guess I am not just any idiot. I am right handed and part my hair on the left, although my current hairdresser tells me my natural part is really on the right. Sigh. Maybe I need Bob. Or Mrs L!

I figured I like it on the left, it's easier for me, and that is where it is. Period.


salemslot9 said...

I think my mom said years ago
that girls part on one side
boys the other
like a button down shirt, I guess