Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Seven Signs of The Apoplectic

Who says television doesn't provide us with useful information? Here are seven signs that you will live a long life, according a report by Hoda Kotb on NBC:

1. You will live a long life if your mom was 22 instead of 32 when she had you. That's because her 22 year old eggs are fresher. O-o-o-o, there's a shocker.

2. Do squats instead of push ups. Strong glutes, hammies and quads are better for preventing falls and fractures when you're an old fart. [Assuming you can still squat by then.]

3 Drink five cups of green tea instead of having any diet soda. Drinking stuff that tastes like Chinese furniture lowers your risk from heart disease and stroke. Diet soda, not so much.

4. Dump your housekeeper and do your own cleaning when you're seventy. They say an hour of "movement" is an anti-ager. So sipping a glass of Metamucil while sitting on the toilet could also do the trick. Or you could substitute an hour of sex with a broom. Ooops, has Mrs. L been inappropriate?

5. Eating purple food is better for you than eating green food. Hmmm, how about some pickled beets and a nice Chianti?

6. Deli meats or burgers? Neither -- this was a trick question. They both increase colorectal cancer. Unless you dip them in bleach before serving.

7. Is it better to be a high school graduate or a college freshman? Anyone who has had their dad wake them up on Saturdays to mow the lawn knows that getting out of the house and going to college beats anything in high school. But apparently you live longer if you have more than twelve years of education. Actually, I think you start living longer the minute you get out of the house.

As of today, I've lived longer than a lot of people I went to high school with. So I think that gives me the right to include some of my personal thoughts on how to live past your freshness date.

Here, for your perusal, are Mrs. Linklater's seven suggestions for a long and happy life:

1. Don't fall alseep on a Greyhound bus listening to your iPod.

2. Don't be a young African American teenage boy in Chicago's inner city.

3. Don't make plans to go to the mall with that really nice guy you met on the internet, if you're thirteen.

4. Don't accept an all expenses paid trip to Paris, Tokyo and Rome from a blind date named Abdul.

5. Do not have sex with people who only use one name.

6. Do not marry O.J. Simpson.

7. Floss.

That was easy. Tomorrow I'll give financial advice.

4 comments:

Des's big daddy said...

I'd think having the last name "Kotb" would be good for a few extra years.

Tressa Bailey said...

Damn if your financial advice is as good as your anti-aging advice I will be a millionaire when I'm 90!

Right now I can't afford a maid, I have to squat to pick up doggie accidents, I'm drinking old coffee which is almost tea and could be green for all I know, My Mom was 22 when she gave birth to me (oddly enough) I can barely find the time to eat cheerios let alone make a deli sandwich or fry up a burger, I learn new rules at work everyday (I call that education)....I'll keep your 7 special rules taped to my fridge though in case they ever come up.

Now make me rich!

Remo said...

I'm confused.
If I had someone's Mom when she was 32 instead of 22, does that help?
Squats? Good idea. I like cowgirls.
Green tea makes me pee. What if I slip while going to the bathroom for the bazillionth time?
I won't even touch the broom sex thing. That's icky.
Does the color when the food comes out matter?
Being a college freshman is always better. The Dean's wife always needed her lawn mowed. Daily.

Sincerely,

Paco

Ann said...

#4- LOL. Crazy visuals... the whole broom thing. Never mind.