Every year millions of families across America sit for hours like zombies in front of their television sets, mesmerized by the giant balloons that float above the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I like to watch in case the wind whips up and a balloon escapes from its handlers like a giant rabid dog, causing untold damage to the people and property below. But that's just me.
This year, parade officials announced that three new balloons will join the long list of iconic helium filled floaters along the route. In the past they have included Bill Clinton's cigar, Cher's tattooed butt, Pam Anderson's siliconed breasts, and any number of Oprah's hairdos. Oh, I kid.
According to Holidash News, which lists the actual parade line-up, both live and latex, the new balloons in town will be: Ronald McDonald, Spiderman, Sailor Mickey and the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Call me crazy, but that's four, not three, right? Maybe having Mickey Mouse in a sailor suit doesn't exactly count as "new," since some form of Mickey or Minnie Mouse is required to appear in every parade in the country as part of Walt Disney's grand plan to control the universe from the grave.
Personally, I think that Ronald McDonald, Spiderman, et al., lack a certain amount of imagination. I'm a Family Guy gal myself. At least I would hope for something in the Sponge Bob Square Pants genre. Regardless, the creative powers that be could have come up with something more exciting to capture our attention.
For instance, I'd fly out to Manhattan and save myself a seat on a curb if I knew that Larry the Cable Guy was one of this year's new balloons. They wouldn't even have to waste a puff of helium to get him flying. He looks like he's been sucking from the tank of gas for years. Speaking of gas tanks, how about a huge Rosie O'Donnell floating overhead? Or is calling Rosie O'Donnell huge just redundant?
Naturally, all this talk about people full of themselves leads me to wonder what a 100 foot long replica of Glenn Beck or Bill O'Reilly would look like. But those gasbags are nothing compared with the thought of having biggest airhead of them all floating overhead. [You knew this was coming.] The infamous Sarah Palin herself.
Talk about the damage that rogue balloon could cause. . .