Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Those Wacky Germans

Answer:  Very carefully. Question: How do people have sex 2.2 times a week?


Berlin - BMW drivers have more sex than owners of any other cars and are much more active than Porsche drivers, a new German car magazine has found.

The German magazine Men's Car found in a survey of 2 253 motorists aged 20 to 50 published in its inaugural May issue that male BMW drivers say they have sex on average 2,2 times each week while Porsche drivers have sex 1,4 times per week.

Following BMW drivers were Audi (2,1), Volkswagen (1,9), Ford (1,7) and Mercedes (1,6). Drivers of foreign car makes were also behind BMW with Italian cars (2,0), French (1,9), Japanese (1,8), Swedish (1,6) and Korean cars (1,5) trailing after.

Among women, French car drivers were top with 2,1 times per week followed by Audi (2,0), Italian (2,0), and BMW (1,9) with Porsche again at the bottom of the scale at 1,2 times per week.

[NOTE: The Europeans have a habit of using commas for decimal points, which, aside from being annoying, never fails to look like a freaking typo no matter how often one sees it.]

Mrs. Linklater notices that this definitive study of cars and sex was done in Germany, where precision is everything.  Thus, it makes complete sense for the German scientists who conducted this survey to list the number of times people have sex EXACTLY, so there is no confusion at all for anyone.  Except Mrs. Linklater.

Clearly, because these people are scientists, having sex 2.2 times a week is somehow MEANINGFUL. What Mrs. Linklater would like to know is how does a couple, any couple, have sex .2 times? Are there degrees of sex for which a number is assigned?  So that a mere invitation to "do it in the road" is worth say, only a .1, but unzipping one's trousers is .4, and having someone else unzip them is worth .6, etc.?  And who decides these relative values?  At this point Mrs. Linklater has a well-founded concern that the people in charge of determining what sex is worth might be one or more of the German scientists. Not a pretty picture.

But that brings us to the most pressing issue on her mind -- were the people in the survey having sex IN THE CARS? H-m-m-m. She notices that this important point is avoided in the cleverly worded report. Doing it in the cars, as it were, might explain why the BMW, which is comfortable enough to house a family of five, was rated highest and the Porsche, which can barely carry a bag of groceries, was rated lowest. Not to mention where the German scientists were standing in their white lab coats with their clipboards during the survey. 

Most people probably didn't give any of this a second thought. But somebody has to ask the tough questions.

No need to thank her, Mrs. Linklater is here to help.


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