Saturday, October 22, 2005

The One Thing I Want You To Know About Me

  February 2005

Once again Judithheartsong's Artsy Essay Contest beckons me. Like Russell Crowe sitting outside my house on a yellow Fatboy with black leather seats and the engine running.

One thing, huh? There are way more things I would rather you didn't know about me than anything I want you to know.

Perhaps that is the underlying purpose of this month's essay contest. To see if I'm willing to peel back the layers of my carefully constructed personna and reveal myself in a manner still suitable for publication.

I find it interesting that personality quirks I'm not proud of leap to mind immediately like little kids who have the answer to the teacher's question -- PICK ME PICK ME OH PLEASE OH PLEASE MRS. LINKLATER!!

Shut up. Sit down and be quiet you noisy, noxious character flaws. Why would I want to pick YOU to share with strangers? You creep me out.

Oh great, there's a crowd gathering in the corners of my mind.  

For instance, I don't want people to know I'm afraid of becoming a bag lady. Or that I keep a box of Hefty Steel Saks in a secret place just in case the time comes. Bag Lady anxiety is the fear of all women over fifty who live alone. At least this one. The thought of sitting on a park bench with my shopping cart feeding the pigeons haunts me. Unless I'm in London on tour. Oh, say, aren't you Mrs. Linklater of Mrs. Linklater's Guide to the Universe? Weren't you nominated for a VIVI once?

I don't want anybody to know that if my feet get any bigger I'll have to wear the boxes. Seriously, even though I'm almost six feet tall, I shouldn't have to ask for a men's eleven when I shop for my Manolos. Is that fair?

I don't want to have to say "no" to posing nude. Oh, so you think I get a pass now that I'm over sixty? Not any more. That former supermodel Lauren Hutton has just revealed EVERYTHING for some freaking magazine, with the disingenuous disclaimer, "Oh, no, nothing was retouched." The bitch. She's 61 years old, almost 62. Just like me on October 30th, thanks for asking.

Who wants that kind of pressure to prove you've still got it? When I reached my well deserved menopause moment, I thought I could enjoy my elastic waistband life without having to justify it.  After all there's a reason I stay in town for the winter here -- I can cover up every saggy and wrinkled part of my body and pass for two, maybe three years younger. But, in a bathing suit or [shudder] my birthday suit? Probably only a minute or two. But now, Ms Hutton wants us to keep our "ho" jos working. I'd rather be sucking on a milkshake straw with a side order of fries. Followed by a nap.

I don't want you to know how lazy I've become. "I'll get to it" is my new mantra. Just let me watch Wheel of Fortune first. [Kidding -- you have to be seventy] Okay, just let me watch this re-run of Law and Order and I'll get to it.

I'm embarrassed that I listen to WGN talk radio and not to a music station. The average listener of that station is 107. And I actually like it so much I have called in. It's the liking it that I don't want people to know about. If someone gets in the car with me and it's on when I start the engine, I tell them I only listen for the weather and the uh, traffic. Yeah, the traffic.

I have also been known to put in a Metallica CD, the Monster one, open the windows and turn up the volume on my way into the parking lot, when I'm working downtown, in case I run into someone I know. Boy, I didn't want you to know that.

I don't want anyone to know that I smile a lot only so the wrinkles on my face go up instead of down. I remember doing that so much when I was talking to a guy I just met that he even commented on it. "You sure smile a lot." Haaaaaaaa.

There's more. But I have to get downtown and take pictures of the statues with White Sox hats on them. So I'll be back later. I'm not sure I want you to know that. Ooops.Too late.



jckfrstross said...

I really admire you. You write beautiful:)


schnozbeary said...

How did I miss finding YOU sooner??? Remember the movie Calendar Girls??? And Lauren Hutton may look great nekkid, but she still has a horse face!! :0) Penny

annalisa135 said...

Congratulations on your VIVI nomination, Mrs. L.   You are well known and well loved here in J-land.  We couldn't have an awards show without you, that's for sure.  Best wishes.

artloner said...

ps: those gloves scare me.

artloner said...

The things you don't want me to know make me love ya' even more!

Great Entry!


tillysweetchops said...

For a moment there I thought your hands were being eaten by a couple of critters.
BTW congratulations on the nominations, you deserve them.

Tilly x

mombzbe said...

Aren't you concerned that when the snow thaws, they'll find the body?

swibirun said...

I meant to ask, why do you have your hands jammed up two bunny rabbits butts?


floralilia said...

actually, you really didn't want us to know that those gloves were made out of the hair from your husband's back...

we're onto you mrs. L.

meforevermore said...

"That former supermodel Lauren Hutton has just revealed EVERYTHING for some freaking magazine, with the disingenuous disclaimer, "Oh, no, nothing was retouched." The bitch."

Amen. That's just evil.


onemoretina said...

... and that's why I moved back to Southern California .... I figured a bag lady would have an easier time here, without all that cold and snow.  Oh, and people are pretty generous here, too.  I think it's a guilt thing, but they drive around with McDonalds coupons in their Prada bags for the occasional brush with the bag-bound.  
  By the way ... Congrats on the VIVI nomination.  You earned it.  Tina

psychfun said...

Love the gloves? Get them in Chicago? I love the big furry boots too. Well the Sox have 1, we'll see!

jayveeconcerto said...

I'm not gonna mention those scary gloves (???) you're wearing........
When I lived in the Missouri Ozarks I used to listen to WGN nearly every night. It came in loud & clear from about 11:00pm until dawn. It is (or at least WAS) a great radio station! You see, there wasn't much else to do at night in the Ozarks.........By the way, I used to lie about my age. Then I finally got so old that,even when I knocked five years off, I was STILL old.         Jon

gaboatman said...

Hmmm, a very "revealing" entry.  Good luck in the contest!  My guess is that the gloves are really part of this year's Halloween costume.  You're going to be the Abominable Snow Woman, right?  Now that you've revealed your lazy side, I surmise these were just closer to grab than your real gloves on your way out the door.

judithheartsong said...

I used to have mittens like that in Pennsylvania.... I loved them!!! (Loved the bunny butt comment below as well.)
Very good post Mrs. L.... you always keep us coming back for more:):):) judi

jevanslink said...

Enough with the bunny butt jokes, you comedy people.

Okay -- who knew everyone would notice the GLOVES. The tree caught my eye.

Anyway, they're wolf, yes, wolf. They are the warmest gloves I've ever owned. Purchased along with a matching pair by my ex when we were in Jackson Hole, WY in 1970, just before they became endangered and there was a ban on hunting them.

Most people think they're coyote. I don't own any other fur by the way.

Every time I wear them I really do wonder about the animal that was sacrificed to make them. How it died, did it suffer.  

By the way, I not only don't want you to know any of this, I want you to FORGET you ever saw this entry.

Mrs. L

sieblonde said...

If for some reason you are forced to pose nude.  Wear those gloves.  They will divert anyone's attention.   ~Sie

bluwave9 said...

Once again, I see I got here too late to make a decent glove joke. I see the bunny butt joke was already done, so I'm at a loss for words.  Shucks.

Personally, I figure myself for a cat lady.  Yes, younger women have cat lady anxiety as well :)  Good luck in the contest!


mkolasa101 said...

Well I don't want you to know how much I enjoyed reading your I Don't Want you to know essay.  Thanks for being so honest, but honest you are aren't you.  


bedazzzled1 said...

This was very funny! You sure seem to be enjoying your world just as it is. And consider that Lauren Hutton has to be a freak of nature, although a very attractive one!