When it comes to lying I'm generally a pretty forgiving person. If I call you on it and you fess up, no harm, no foul.
If instead of a lie I discover that you just embellish or exaggerate as
part of your 24/7 lifestyle, I'll just ignore everything factual that
you say. We can have dinner, go to a movie, even hang out, but I won't
be using you as my phone-a-friend lifeline when I'm on Who Wants to be
And then there are the people who lie and insist they're telling the
truth even when faced with the facts. People who have invented who they
are, from their age to their education, to where they grew up, went to
school, number of times they've been married, or hooked up with your
friend. I even know a guy who had an All-America football trophy made
up for himself, even though he was never an All-America. I don't think
there's even a trophy for it. The one he got made looks just
like a gold version of the Super Bowl trophy. And it's proudly
displayed in his family
Those people are dead to me. Or near death.
I had a friend who had the same last name as a famous movie star. He
said they were cousins. I found out that the movie star had been born
with a different name. Liar. But, instead of just confronting my friend
about the lie, I got creative. I set up an elaborate ruse to convince
him that my mother was unexpectedly pregnant with twins and I was going
to have to leave school to come home and help her take care of the new
babies. I even threw in a whole thing about getting back with an old
boyfriend on the sly, which was problematic since I was dating one of
my friend's fraternity brothers.
He was so flipped out that he called me and said we needed to talk. He
even offered to take me to lunch at the fancy restaurant usually only
frequented by the faculty.
After enjoying a great meal, which, in retrospect, made all my
fabrications worth it, he finally confronted me with what he'd heard
about my mother and my old boyfriend. I listened to him go on and on
about how important it was for me to stay in school, followed by what
did I think I was doing to his fraternity brother by dating my old
boyfriend behind his back?
Finally, I just said, "I figured if you could be cousins with a famous
movie star, my mother could be pregnant and I could be getting back
with my ex." It took him a minute to process that, By
the time he realized what I'd done the lunch bill had been paid.
As paybacks go, not very nasty, but it still felt good, especially
getting a chance to escape from the usual college cafeteria food.
Then there was the guy who used to tell me to call him when I was out
in LA. Everytime I called, he claimed to be out of town. After the fourth time, a lightbulb went on and I realized he was
So I had a girlfriend call him and pretend to be an editor
wanting to interview him for a job. She invited him to dinner at a nice
hotel. That meant he had to drive about forty five minutes, find some
clean clothes to wear, and shave his constant three day growth.
mention he was always late to everything? Well, the interview was no
exception. We were all there ready to confront him. But, he was so
late, we ate dinner and decided just to leave. We instructed the maitre d'
tell him the editor couldn't wait any longer and she was gone. He
finally showed up and went crazy trying to track the her down.
That one got nasty when, a month later, I told him what we'd done.
A couple of years ago a guy contacted me online, after seeing my
picture plastered all over the People Connection page. He was one
of a jillion IM's I got because of that photo, mostly from guys who
started out, "Hiya sexy." He, on the other hand, was polite,
intelligent, said he was a college graduate and, after I asked, claimed to be in his twenties. I
should have known something was wrong because he didn't gag when I said
I was in my sixties.
To make this long story short -- after a few things he said triggered my
LIAR LIAR alarm, I used one of the many trusty search engines available
to internet users and discovered that he was married and in his
sixties. Na na na na na.
Here's one tiny example of how he outed himself -- he said his mother told him he looked like
Audie Murphy. Audie Murphy? Is there any guy in his twenties who has a
clue who Audie Murphy is, or was? First of all, wouldn't a mother with
a twenty something son tell him he looks like someone LIVING? Audie
Murphy, sheesh. Heck, even most people my age haven't got a clue what Audie
Murphy looked like.
A couple of years ago I wrote an entry about a reality game I want
do -- one contestant against ten people on the internet. If the
contestant can figure out who the only real person in ten is, he will
win a lot of money.
Each week, the contestant chooses one
internet contact to be eliminated. If he eliminates
everyone except the real person, he gets a huge pot of money. The
people on the internet get money for fooIing the contestant into
thinking they're real as long as they can.
I thought it would be
fun to have men impersonating women, old guys pretending to be young
guys, gay pretending to be straight, fat pretending to be thin.
Everybody but the real person has license to lie, lie, lie.
My internal lie detector just got a recent tune up. I think I
am ready to be the first contestant.