Wednesday, December 2, 2009

World Headlines Distilled to a Single Word

Time for Mrs. Linklater to comment on something else besides her life of waiting around for car mechanics, electricians and plumbers. 
Beauty Queen who died after plastic surgery on her butt -- in a word: Badass.
Charley Weis -- in a word:  Finally.
Tiger Woods -- in a word: STUPID. STUPID. STUPID.  What? That's only one word. It just got typed a few extra times.
     Speaking of golf shafts, Mr. Woods, I guess all the rumors WERE true. I hope that $164 fine is all you have to fork out. I smell record-breaking divorce settlement.  
The White House Party Crashers -- in a word: LIARS. Put them to death. That'll teach people to fool the Secret Service.
     Can you feel the heat, Mr. and Mrs. Reality Show Wannabes? Your pants are on fire. Loved that red dress though. 
Ron Artest -- in a word: Certifiable. 
     Drinking cognac during half times when he was playing for the Bulls ['99-'02] is the least of his problems. I predict bi-polar disorder. Or is he just an asshole? 
Meredith Baxter -- in a word: Lesbian? Kidding?  
     Sorry, two words, but I couldn't help myself. She's an actress. She's ACT-ING. I'm thinking Anne Heche. 
     After three marriages and five children, 62-year old Ms. Baxter's chances of being a tried and true lesbo are as real as George Clooney's chances of getting married. Unless she does a Chaz Bono and decides what she really needs is a Full Monty.
Asian Carp threatening Great Lakes -- in a word: Sushi.
     These are the 100 pound fish that were brought in to keep the algae out of catfish ponds, but escaped into the waterways during some floods and started to scare the poop out of people with their weird habit of leaping out of the water, often right onto the deck of your boat. I figure all those NRA type folks fighting for the right to keep their guns could just use the fish for target shooting and this problem would be over. We'd also have a few less of those folks from the crossfire. A win-win for everybody.
Sarah Palin -- in a word: Underedumacated.
     She [or her ghostwriter] misquoted Native American activist, John Wooden Legs, in her book, Going Rogue. She cherrypicked a quote he made about the Cheyennes fighting for their lives as a quote by former UCLA basketball coach, John Wooden, about fighting for one's rights as an American. Lou Holtz has better material than that. 

2 comments:

Donna said...

I hadn't heard about Meredith Baxter. See, this is what confuses me: Why is it that lesbians switch back and forth at will, but homosexual males always seem to know they're gay? How can you spend several years not knowing you're a lesbian and then suddenly decide you are?

But I'm just a hillbilly; what do I know?

Des's big daddy said...

This is brilliant. I'd much prefer to read a daily version of your news than the Tribune.