The Kevin Costner Magical Mystery Machine

I had plans to do a whole entry on how Kevin Costner's magical "I can turn oil into water" machine was actually just a prop from his movie Waterworld, but Vanity Fair slept with me last night and stole my idea before I had a chance. Those bitches.

          In lieu of a brilliant piece of satire, here's [supposedly] a photo of the actual make-water-out-of-oil machine that's going to suck up all that muck in the gulf and spew it back again as good as new -- well, 97% as good as new. The other three per cent is the millions of shredded truck tires and golf balls they decided not to stuff down the leaking BP [for Butt Plug?] pipe.  

 The infamous water-for-oil machine, or maybe this is it --

The first contraption looks remarkably like the Briggs and Stratton engine of a Jacobsen lawn mower I once had. Lasted for twenty years. But unless both those machines are the size of the Empire State building it's going to take about a million of them to clean up the gulf.      

            Another thing. See the lettering across the middle of the first one? I'm not sure what any of that strange language means, except maybe "use this picture on your blog and we will hunt you down," but I do notice that it ends with something I learned from The Arabian Nights, "alibaba.com."  Do you smell a conspiracy? I do. Enough said.
          Actually, I'm mostly wondering how the machines work. Like a Roomba? You just put it on the ocean floor and they start to hoover everything in sight? Sucking up everything pool vacuum style? If they hit a shark or manta ray do they just head in another direction? Also, will Costner be out there supervising when they turn it on? With a cigar in his mouth?

Kevin Costner at the helm of one of his change oil into water machines, or not

I've read that Stephen Baldwin, the born again, celebrity re-hab Baldwin brother, is already making a documentary about the disaster. If you ask me, that could just lead to another disaster.