Thursday, September 29, 2011

Gay or Un-Gay?

In our polarized, my way or the highway world, there's an astonishing new app for mothers who wake up each morning wondering, "Is my son gay?"  If successful, this annoying bit of Androidian asininity may spawn a whole series of apps for inept mothers. From  "Should I be an Avon Lady?" to "How can I tell if my husband stays up all night watching porn?
         "Is my son gay?" offers a series of questions right out of a dog-eared Freudian primer that are intended to help a hapless maternal parental unit determine -- once and for all -- whether to buy Hugh Jackman's version of Oklahoma or anything Metallica. Boxers or briefs? Mixed greens with arugula and endive or a wedge of iceberg? New Balance or Ferragamo?  
          Here are the Kafkaesque questions perfectly timed for the coming Apocalypse, aka, the 2012 election. I have not made any of these up. In fact, you can read the article for yourself HERE, but don't come whining to me afterward.

1. Does he like to dress up nicely? Does he pay close attention to his outfits and brand names?
2. Does he like football? 
3. Before he was born did you wish he would be a girl? 
4. Has he ever gotten into or participated in a fight? 
5. Does he read sports magazines?
6. Does he have a best friend
7. Does he like team sports?
8. Is he prudish/modest?
9. Does he like diva singers?
10. Does he spend a long time in the bathroom
11. Does he have a tongue, nose or ear piercing
12. Does he spend time getting ready before being seen in public?
13. Have you asked yourself questions about your son's sexual orientation?
14. Are you divorced?
15. Does he like musical comedies?
16. Has he introduced you to a girlfriend ever?
17. Is the father (you) very strict or authoritarian with his son?
18. In your family is the father absent?
19. Was he shy as a child?
20. Is he close to his father? 


Jon said...

I've know a few gay slobs who don't give a damn how they look and who hate Bette Midler.
I've also known a few gay faux cowboys.......

Mrs. L said...

The questions are so 1958. I also think lesbians should claim discrimination and demand their own app.