Sunday, March 13, 2005

Ask Mrs. Linklater St Paddy's Day Parade Edition

Jeanne Phillips is Dear Abby. Her mother was the original Dear Abby. Dear Abby's sister was Ann Landers. Mrs. Linklater doesn't know what any of this means, but, as usual, that won't stop her from butting in whenever she pleases.  


Dear Abby: I just found out that I'm pregnant, and I'm thrilled. I'm getting married in September -- and that's the problem. At the time my wedding is scheduled, I'll be nine months pregnant.

The day we're being married has special significance to my fiance. I don't know how to tell him I don't want to waddle down the aisle. I have told him about the baby, but I don't know how to bring up changing the date of the wedding. I don't want to ruin it for him -- but I don't know if I can handle a formal wedding when I'm about to pop.

Am I being selfish, or would it be a good idea to ask him to change the date?

-- Scared In Oregon

Dear Scared: For heaven's sake, speak up. To do so is not selfish; it's practical. Remember that babies don't always arrive exactly on time -- sometimes they decide to come early.

When you're standing at the altar exchanging your vows, you should not have to worry about your water breaking.


MRS. LINKLATER STOPS DOING HER KEGELS FOR A MINUTE TO INTERRUPT HERE WITH AN OPINION THAT WILL NO DOUBT SHOCK AND DISMAY MOST PEOPLE.  

FIRST, SHE ACKNOWLEDGES HOW DIFFICULT IT MUST BE TO PLAN A WEDDING BETWEEN CONTRACTIONS. MEANWHILE, IT SOUNDS TO MRS. L LIKE THE GROOM WANTS TO REAP THE BENEFITS OF A TWO-FER -- HAVING HIS CAKE AND A BABY. TOO.  

WHILE SHE IS WELL AWARE OF HOW EVERY BRIDE WANTS TO LOOK HER BEST [THE THIN THING] FOR HER NUPTIALS, IF SHE'S KNOCKED UP ALL BETS ARE OFF. OH SURE, SHE CAN WAIT UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN AND HAVE THE CEREMONY LATER. OR GET MARRIED EARLIER, SAY BEFORE MAKING BABIES, BUT ANYONE CAN DO THAT.

MRS. LINKLATER THINKS WE ALL OUGHT TO CONSIDER THE UP SIDE OF WALKING DOWN THE AISLE AS YOUR WATER MAY BE BREAKING. ONCE YOU GET PREGNANT THE REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED BECOMES PRETTY APPARENT. WHY NOT CELEBRATE IT!!  

KUDOS TO THE MAN WHO IS WILLING TO TELL THE WORLD THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND IS PREGNANT BY THROWINGHER A FANCY WEDDING RIGHT WHEN SHE'S ABOUT TO DELIVER. IT WASN'T TOO LONG AGO THAT THESE WEDDINGS WERE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ARMED AND DANGEROUS FATHER.

HERE WE ARE A GENERATION LATER AND THE BRIDE CAN NOT ONLY WALK DOWN THE AISLE ON HER WAY TO THE DELIVERY ROOM,  SHE CAN WEAR THE TRADITIONAL WHITE GOWN, ALTHOUGH SOMETHING WASHABLE WOULD BE SMART.

SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLAUNT TRADITION, DO SO WITH PRIDE. THE ONLY SUGGESTION MRS. LINKLATER OFFERS IS TO MAKE SURE ALL THE BRIDESMAIDS ARE PREGNANT TOO, SO THE BRIDE WON'T BE UPSTAGED BY ANY SKINNY GIRLS.    

   

6 comments:

robbush6 said...

Are you kidding? This is every fat bridesmaid's dream come true. I can still snarf down the Ben and Jerry's the night before the wedding and still look damn good next to the fat chick in white. Yeah, baby!

olddog299 said...

Went to a boss's wedding a couple of years ago - all 5 bridesmaids and the bride were preggers. Have you been handing out this advice in Catholic mill towns (Millinockett, Maine)?

judithheartsong said...

ahahahahhaaaaaa!!!!! I love it. I used to have a little kegel sticker on my mirror that my midwife gave me:):) judi

artloner said...

Ya' Damn Skippy!

Were I the bride, I'd marry hiim, real quick-like, in the courthouse, THEN do it up right, preggers an' all...you never know, he might change his mind when he sees her ankles!

xoxoxo
andi

tdain2003 said...

LOL!
Tracy

salemslot9 said...

shotgun wedding!