Sunday, August 31, 2008

Sarah Palin Is A Republican Wet Dream

[For the duration of the 2008 campaign, the part of Sarah Palin will be played by Tina Fey]

On paper, Sarah Palin almost sounds like a meth-head. Okay, maybe that's too harsh -- how about insane survivalist?

Don't think so? Let's go through her bio one vice presidential quality at a time.

1. Female resident of Alaska.

What comes to mind? A well coiffed Ann Coulter lookalike? A poised replica of Condy Rice?  

I don't know about you but my primary experience with women from Alaska was the late Iditarod musher, Susan Butcher. who wore snowmobile suits, lived in a cabin in the woods and raised sled dogs. What you couldn't experience watching on TV, according to people who interviewed her, was the smell of someone who didn't bathe very often. 

I can just imagine what it was like when McCain's search team was sitting around late at night trying to think out of the box for a veep nominee. Whaddya think Marty? We're getting our asses kicked with all the Hillary love. Isn't it about time we vetted a broad, sorry, woman? Yeah, Roger, but, not just any babe, she ought to be from way out of town -- you know, like Alaska. Alaska's a state, right? You serious Marty? A woman from Alaska? C'mon! Are there any women in Alaska? Sure. They got all those descendants of the hookers who worked the pipeline. I even think they got a Hooter's. Hooter's? That's funny Marty. Can you see a buncha hotties in shorts and plaid shirts? Wanna buy some hot penguin wings Mister? I'm dying here.   

Okay, seriousness.

You have to believe that a sight unseen woman from Alaska might be a hard sell to those Republican marketing twits at first. Why? Because you don't conjure up a pilates devotee in a tailored suit and heels. If you do, you're a liar. 

With the image of Ms. Butcher on my mind, I'm thinking you'd get a big, lumberjacky babe who maybe runs a bar. Sorry, let's ratchet that stereotype back and just call her "larger than life," not "big."

2. Now add "mother of five" to the description. Does her butt look fat now? You bet. 

3. Plus she's a card-carrying member of the NRA -- really likes to shoot moose, probably with a 'scope, throw the carcass into the pick up, drive home and make up a pot of her famous moose stew. Right next to the burner where she cooks the meth. You do whatcha gotta do with five screaming kids to feed, don't ya know.  

No way I'm seeing anyone that resembles Nancy Reagan going out to field dress big game in the wilderness.   

4. This next one pretty much guarantees that Sarah Palin on paper is going to be scary as shit: she helps out her husband on his commercial fishing boat. Ever see what they wear? Ever smell them after a day spent hauling ass on one of those trawlers? Living with sled dogs is Chanel No. 5 next to Odeur de Fish.

By the way, with the visual image this bio is building, can you believe Sarah Palin's actually got a husband? Sound impossible? Did I mention that the ratio of men to women in Alaska is 20 to 1?

5. But that's not the best part. Her hubba bubba is an Inuit. You know, one of those people we used to call Eskimos -- so we get a two-fer -- a woman AND her minority spouse. Is it great to be a Republican or what?

[For the duration of the 2008 campaign, the part of Ms. Palin's husband will be played by a regular white guy who looks just like him.]

6. Did I mention her nickname on the high school basketball team was "Barracuda"?

Wait a minute Marty, this basketball thing -- she's not a lesbo, right? Not a chance Roger, she was a beauty queen, ya know? Beauty queens can't be lesbians. Yeah, but exactly what is beauty in Alaska? Yer right, I dunno.   

7. Here's the big finish: Sarah Palin is the governor of Alaska.

You pulling my leg, Roger? Would I lie, Marty? Sarah Palin is the bona fide governor of Alaska. For almost a year and a half. Can you believe it? No shit. Elected and everything. Actually, I think they flipped a coin and she lost.     
 
Tell the truth, if you didn't know Sarah Palin was the governor, you'd be thinking she lived in a trailer down by the docks, heated with kerosene lamps, with a pick up out front and a broken down washing machine rusting out back.

But, quelle surprise, it turns out Sarah Palin is attractive. The Alaskan version of tits and ass. No way she hangs with McCain unless she's got the looky-loos. Anybody who thinks otherwise hasn't watched TV for the last forty years.

With a journalism degree from that hotbed of newshounds, the University of Idaho, she has become top dog in one of our least populous states. Wyoming, also nearly empty, has also had a female governor. She was a former rodeo queen. Together they barely rise above the credibility of Tupperware Ladies.

But part of Palin's charm is that she also has a reputation as a reformer, don't forget. Ooooo, I'm scared.

Alaska has a population of about one person for every forty-two miles, and they all have guns. Think nineteenth century frontier town, only way bigger. Up there, a fella takes off his hat for a pretty lady. If Sarah Palin had been a man when she achieved maverick status by taking on the state's notoriously corrupt politicians, they would have just pulled out a gun and shot her.

Did I mention her undistinguished degree in journalism from the Harvard of Baked Potato Land, where she probably set up a bogus residency to get the in-state discount? In the whole of Alaska there are only 670,000 people. So a local yokel like Sarah Palin could easily parlay her weak educational creds into a governorship, since nobody else finished high school.

Next to any number of women who deserve the vice presidential nomination more, she isn't even a little fish in a little pond. She's bait.

In the real world, Sarah Palin isn't qualified to hang Hillary's pantsuit. Although she could give Dan Quayle a run for his money.

15 comments:

screaminremo303 said...

Ohhhh... where to start??

I guess we haven't progressed to a point where a woman is considered equal in our society. If the same points were being made against a woman for any other position the local chapter of the League of Angry Perimenopausal Women would be marching and burning their Boniva prescription cards in protest.

"You hate us. You really hate us..."

We don't need Dr. Phil to figure this one out. Sarah Palin is a thorn in the side of the Democrats because she made her own way in politics, not only bucking the system but kicking ass along the way. No blue dresses allowed in the wilderness. Palin managed to rise to personal achievement WHILE being a lactating and ovulating wife who can "bring home the moose-bacon and fry it up in a pan" while selling the government jet on eBay to reduce costs. Palin bent the oil companies over and gave the reach-around to her own citizens in the form of MONEY from big oil. Palin is a Conservative who made sure domestic partners in Alaska got benefits.

Sarah Palin is the woman who walked into the bar and made everyone's husband turn his head and stare.

Meow...

jevanslink said...

REMO -- You're a man. I wouldn't expect you to understand that when it comes to women you vote with your private parts.

Mrs. L

rgossett4195 said...

The sad thing is that most Americans vote for the President, NOT who's running with him.  

Rose

jayveerhapsody said...

All right, I'll admit it - you had me laughing through most of this.
Well, all except for the very last sentence. What's the big difference between Hillary and Sarah? Hillary hang onto her philandering husband for dear life. Sarah would have blown his ass off with her shotgun!!   Jon

jayveerhapsody said...

There's something wrong with my grammar. I probably should have said "Hillary HUNG onto her philandering huisband........"   Sorry for the boo-boo     Jon

psychfun said...

I was just about to ask you if you say Lonestars post! Ha! I see he read yours already!

http://journals.aol.com/jayveerhapsody/LoneStarConcerto/entries/2008/08/31/caution-rant-zone/2018

I made quite some comments with FACTS with links to the congressional records etc. If you have not checked it out or want the links head over there.

Ok, now quite frankly to be far, it is funny but not something that will convince me. I need facts & well some is definitely true but my point with both parties is then they jump to conclusions. Oh so we want equal rights but then God forbid a woman does do some man's job like the big fishing and mucks it up & gets dirty & smells that is no good? I don't agree! I would rather have people say she did this as a voting record or did not do this etc for QUALIFICATIONS or lack there of. That is what we should be focusing on (men & women!) & not whether she looks pretty like Jackie or Mrs. Reagan etc. I wish we could just not even think about minority anymore...just people with what experience. I don't care if she is from Alaska or how many men are there. What will she do or not do for my country? There are beautiful, intelligent women in all states who could be President even & wonderful minorities also...God if we don't get over this we will never get our country moving forward....oh no....I'll be labeled "UnAmerican" for this!

psychfun said...

Hmmm did Jackie divorce JFK? How many other wives had presidential husbands????

psychfun said...

Oops...I too meant who had husbands who cheated?

And why is it that you get crucified if you do stay with a cheating husband & 'work things out'...usually conservative/religious people want you to. If she did divorce Bill then what would they say. No win situation! And that is personal to them for that reason! If he is divulging secrets etc & they have proof...then boot the boy out I agree if not then let Hillary take care of her man.

sleddogac said...

The Iditarod is terribly cruel to dogs. For the facts, visit the Sled Dog Action Coalition website. What happens to dogs during the race includes: death, paralysis, frostbite of the penis and scrotum, bleeding ulcers, bloody diarrhea, lung damage, pneumonia, ruptured discs, viral diseases, broken bones, torn muscles and tendons, vomiting, hypothermia, sprains, fur loss, broken teeth, torn footpads and anemia.

Margery Glickman

psychfun said...

oh man...Mrs. L doesn't that sound like something we should put our prisoners through, lets see how else? Maybe cheating husbands (ok spouses I know!)

screaminremo303 said...

So far all I see here is a bunch of yap-yap from the Lithium brigade and something about frozen testicles.

Does anyone have a real issue to bring up about Palin?

Anyone? Anyone??

Class dismissed.

ksquester said...

Well Mrs. L. I see Megan Mullally (Karen Walker, in Will & Grace) playing the part of Sarah Palin.  She looks just like her except for the glasses.  Wonder if she likes Vodka?   Anne

robingrg2 said...

In a article I read through a link on Un-Common Sense, it states that she also studied political science at the University of Idaho.  Smart move on McCain's part.

Robin in Texas

ber144 said...

Note to Remo: the issue isn't about Palin.  It's about McCain.  It is becoming pretty clear that there are some questions about a few issues pertaining to her that threaten to become a distraction.  They may be much ado about nothing, but they should have been uncovered by McCain and his minions before offering her the gig.  He seems to have made a rather impetuous decision.  Says something or two about his decision making capabilities.

Of course, I'm so hopped up on Lithium that cameras automatically take pictures whenever I walk by.

The highlight of my weekend was seeing Cindy McCain tell George Snufflupaguss with a straight face that Palin is qualified from a national security standpoint because she is governor of the state that is closest to Russia.  Were it not for Sarah Palin, all of Nome's stash of Stoli would be on ice in Vladivostok.

psychfun said...

Ha! I agree...no one saw this decision coming so what does that mean? I think it really was the reaction of Obama not picking Hillary. It is all a game...unfortunately...of persuasion tactics.

Maybe that is it...he figures they'll be able to get some great vodka! Personally, I think it is the distraction...if people keep looking at her they will not notice how old McCain is...maybe if he stands next to her he will not look as old. Do I think age alone has to be a factor, at one end or the other, no but old ideas is the problem. If he does not just send her off traveling should be quite interesting to see what happens...hopefully we won't have to find out though!