And The Sundance Film Festival Winners Are. . .

The names of these movies alone are enough to prevent me from seeing them.


Documentary Grand Jury Prize   
GOD GREW TIRED OF US
[Charlton Heston comes out of retirement?]

Dramatic Grand Jury Prize  
QUINCEAÑERA
[I smell subtitles]

World Cinema Jury Prize: Documentary  
IN THE PIT
[Brad talks about life with Angie?]

World Cinema Jury Prize: Dramatic  
13 TZAMETI
[Starring that Giamatti guy?]

Documentary Directing Prize  
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
[I can watch this every night on the news]

Dramatic Directing Prize  
A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS
[Religion for Dummies?]

Documentary Cinematography Prize  
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
[Is there an echo in here?]

Dramatic Cinematography Prize  
RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR
[That's a little too close for me]

Documentary Editing Award 
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
[Hello, hello, is this thing on?]

Waldo Salt Screenwriting Award  
STEPHANIE DALEY
[Where -- no, WHO is Waldo?]

Special Jury Prize: Documentary 
AMERICAN BLACKOUT
[And the babies that follow]

Special Jury Prize: Documentary
AMERICAN BLACKOUT
[The ultimate in low budget filmmaking -- a long fade to black]
TV JUNKIE
[Taking the remote away cold turkey]

Special Dramatic Jury Prize for Best Ensemble Performance
A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS
[Do you learn how to pick them out of a line up?]

Special Dramatic Jury Prize for Independent Vision: IN BETWEEN DAYS
[That nano second between Monday and Tuesday captured on film for the first time]

World Cinema Special Jury Prize: Documentary  
INTO GREAT SILENCE
DEAR PYONGYANG
[Nothing creates silence like a pyongyang]

World Cinema Special Jury Prize: Dramatic 
EVE & THE FIRE HORSE
[Please tell me this isn't porn]

Alfred P. Sloan Feature Film Prize  
THE HOUSE OF SAND
[The sequel to House of Mirth]

Audience Award: Documentary   
GOD GREW TIRED OF US
[That's pretty obvious]

Audience Award: Dramatic  
QUINCEAÑERA
[James Olmos, J-Lo, and Marc Antony like you've never seen them]

World Cinema Audience Award: Documentary  
DENADIE
[You say De-NAH-dee, I say De-NAY-dee]

World Cinema Audience Award: Dramatic  
NO. 2 
[They named a movie after a bodily function?]

Jury Prize in Short Filmmaking  
THE WRAITH OF COBBLE HILL
[Feel the wrath of the wraith]
BUGCRUSH
[Orange Crush with a worm at the bottom?]

Jury Prize in International Short Filmmaking  
THE NATURAL ROUTE
[No implants were harmed in the making of this flick]

Honorable Mentions for Short Filmmaking  
BEFORE DAWN
[Before Dawn there was JOY with Lemon Scent]
PREACHER WITH AN UNKNOWN GOD
[The Jimmy Swaggart Story]
UNDRESSING MY MOTHER
[Let's not go there]