The nicest thing I can say about my house is that if you squint your eyes it looks a bit like an English cottage. Which is to say, it's tiny. Its diminutive size may explain why it only takes the ivy a few weeks to inundate the entire edifice. It isn't actually ivy as in traditional English ivy. Technically it's winter creeper, which turns wonderful colors in the fall. The three pronged leaves look a little like ivy, so it's just easier to call it ivy.
Recently, as my house began to disappear beneath the foliage, I thought it was time for a haircut, when I noticed I could no longer see my gutters anymore.
I was also wondering how the mortar between the bricks was holding up, since charming English-like vines may decoratively cover any number of architectural faults, but they also have icky, sticky feet to help them hold on as they claw their way to the sky. When you pull them off the bricks they can get mad and take pieces of the exterior with them.
So I had a trained professional come to my house to give it a haircut. It took him several hours to get the vines under control. Luckily he only charged me double.
I was worried that all the "charm" would be gone from the outside of my home, but you can't lose something you never had. Surprisingly, my house looks much better than before. Neater, less like it was covered with a scraggly beard. Before the guy trimmed everything to the ground, the place looked like Grizzly Adams -- if he had a green beard and was built like a house. As a matter of fact, I think he WAS built like a house.
Now the place looks more David Beckham, without the tats. Although the bald guy who played Mini Me might be more accurate. What was his name? Herb Troyer or something. No, wait. Verne.
Who does your house look like? Jerry Springer? Tom Selleck? Cher?