Friday, June 12, 2009

One Flew Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest

I almost didn't escape from rehab. I was loading up my car to leave when the head nurse approached. She asked, "Who is driving you home?"

"I'm driving myself home," I said.

"You can't do that," she practically shouted.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because nobody has done that before," she exclaimed.

Now there's a good reason.

"Well, there's nothing in your literature that says I can't drive myself home," I retorted, "Besides," I added, "I have no hip restrictions. So I am allowed to drive, as long as I'm not taking any narcotics."

"Are you on any narcotics?"

"Not for 24 hours. I had one Darvocet yesterday."

"How did you get your car here anyway?" She wondered, changing the subject.

"I got a ride to my house yesterday and drove it back," I explained.

"You left rehab?" She asked, looking astounded.

"Yes, my stepmom picked me up and drove me to get my car," I said.

"That's against our rules."

"But only you seem to know the rules. There's nothing in your literature that says I can't leave the premises."

"But you're supposed to get a pass."

"Nobody told me that I had to have a pass."

"Well, you are supposed to have one."

"But there's nothing in your literature. . ."

"That doesn't matter. No one is supposed to leave without telling us."

"Too late. By the way, if you're not going to let me drive myself home, how am I supposed to get there?"

"Can't you call someone to come get you?"

"And what should I do with my car when they get here to pick me up?"

"Hmmm. I guess you're going to have to sign a waiver."

So I signed a waiver that said I was leaving rehab against medical wishes because I was driving myself home. All of two miles. That way they figured they'd be off the hook if I had an accident on the way.

I wonder if I should have a plaque made to commemorate my milestone:

On this date in 2009,
Mrs. Linklater was the first person
to ever leave this rehab facility
while driving herself.

7 comments:

Jon said...

I wonder if that nurse is related to Nurse Ratched??

Chris said...

Phew.....she relented. If not, you were going to pull the fire alarm and slip out during the chaos, weren't you?

Damn loose cannons.

Claudia's thoughts said...

Is that facility managed by the Vogons?

Rose said...

god were in lock down!!

Remo said...

Maybe that plaque could display a bust of your ass-cheeks, so everyone could kiss it when they leave.

Just a thought.

Mrs. L said...

I had to look up the Vogons. From Wikipedia, "The Vogons are a fictional alien race from the planet Vogsphere in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams. Vogons are slug-like but vaguely humanoid, are bulkier than humans and have green skin. They are employed as the galactic government's bureaucrats. Vogons are notorious for their aggressive manner and terrible poetry."

Love the terrible poetry part.

Tressa Bailey said...

omg...Remo said it best!

You are something else----Thanks for the smile!