Sunday, February 20, 2011

Mrs. Linklater Versus The Republicans

As a public service, Mrs. Linklater very carefully addresses the Top Ten Stupid Things Republicans Want To Do To Women: 
          1) Republicans not only want to reduce women's access to abortion care, they're actually trying to redefine rape. After a major backlash, they promised to stop. But they haven't yet.
          In an effort to break this logjam, Mrs. Linklater suggests redefining rape to include:
a] anytime he takes a girl's virginity at a homecoming dance, in a parked car, or on the back stairs of a club
b] anytime he has sex with a girl and doesn't know her last name
c] anytime he leaves an STD behind
d] anytime he impregnates a female who is working on her GED, babysits for a living, can't rent a car, or still lives at home
e] anytime he impregnates a woman who didn't sign up to have his baby even though he told her             
           i] you can't get pregnant the first time 
           ii] he's shooting blanks 
           iii] it won't matter this once 
           iv] c'mon, it feels better without a condom
2) A state legislator in Georgia wants to change the legal term for victims of rape, stalking, and domestic violence to "accuser." But victims of other less gendered crimes, like burglary, would remain "victims."
Mrs. Linklater would like to change the legal term for rapist to dead man walking.  
3) In South Dakota, Republicans proposed a bill that could make it legal to murder a doctor who provides abortion care.
Mrs. Linklater would like to make it legal to kill deadbeat dads. And fathers who abandon their children. And let's fire up the electric chair for any guy who harms his pregnant girlfriend/wife. 
4) Republicans want to cut nearly a billion dollars of food and other aid to low-income pregnant women, mothers, babies, and kids. 
Mrs. Linklater says that won't be necessary if we get rid of the $1.2 billion in direct farm subsidies handed out every year to people who don't even farm. And use the $200,000 in change for crayons and healthy snacks. 

5) In Congress, Republicans have a bill that would let hospitals allow a woman to die rather than perform an abortion necessary to save her life. 
To offer a similar, though less deadly, opportunity to fathers, Mrs. Linklater thinks it should be legal to require a baby daddy with children by more than three women to submit to a vasectomy without anesthetic. And let his baby mamas scream at him on Maury.
6) Maryland Republicans ended all county money for a low-income kids' preschool program. Why? No need, they said. Women should really be home with the kids, not out working. 
Mrs. Linklater thinks there should be an exception to that bill which would require the mothers of all the Maryland legislators' children to stay home with the kids and make do on his $43,500 salary. And if, by some mistake, the legislator is a woman, her husband should have to quit his day job to cook, clean and carpool for the kiddies. Or he can have a lobotomy instead.

7) At the federal level, Republicans want to cut that same program, Head Start, by $1 billion. That means over 200,000 kids could lose their spots in preschool.
Instead, Mrs. L suggests let's cut $1 billion from the $48 billion in IRS homeowner subsidies for families with incomes above $100,000. Or wait, how about $1 billion from the $4 billion handed over to the oil companies every year to cover their lunches with Congressmen. 
8) Two-thirds of the elderly poor are women, and Republicans are taking aim at them too. A spending bill would cut funding for employment services, meals, and housing for senior citizens.

Mrs. Linklater wonders why the Republicans don't just make it legal to take them out and shoot 'em. 

9) Congress just voted for a Republican amendment to cut all federal funding from Planned Parenthood health centers, one of the most trusted providers of basic health care and family planning in our country. 
Not to worry, Mrs. Linklater will introduce a bill requiring DNA from every male to insure that each one of their spawn has a dad who will be legally responsible for feeding, clothing, and schooling the fruits of their loins from birth through college. 
10) And if that wasn't enough, Republicans are pushing to eliminate all funds for the only federal family planning program. (For humans. But Republican Dan Burton has a bill to provide contraception for wild horses).

Mrs. Linklater is curious why Republicans are so concerned about having safe sex with horses. Or did she miss something?

PARENTS! Watch your daughters or this future Republican could take advantage of them!,19275/

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