What do Bill Clinton and Bill Bricker have in common?

Warning:  Younger and/or more sensitive readers may discover that this entry contains language which your mother doesn't want you to use correctly in a sentence. 

If there's anything I have learned from the Monica Lewinsky scandal, it's that some men have a very narrow definition of sex. For these guys, the only time sex takes place is when the rocket enters the silo, the peg goes through the porthole, or the piston pumps into the cylinder.  

Nothing else counts. 

That's why Bill Clinton so vehemently denied having sex with Monica Lewinsky. "I did not have sex with that woman!" Because she didn't hide his sausage in her buns. She didn't let the rabbit go into the hole. There was no insertion of a member into her clubhouse. 

Instead, she gave him a blow job. Not sex. In fact, you could say as much for any other "jobs" she may have performed. Not sex. Same if he had played motorboat with her "girls." Not sex. 

So when Bill Bricker vehemently denied having sex with any of his students, scouts, or campers, his alleged victims, along with the rest of us, may have wanted to yell "LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE." But Bricker may just be a victim of Bill Clinton syndrome. If his elevator didn't go up and down inside a shaft, then sex didn't take place. Rubbing and touching and fondling and stimulating to ejaculation? Not sex. 

Now maybe you can understand why -- for the last 75 years -- Bill Bricker doesn't think he ever did anything wrong. 

Neither do the Winnetka police, a host of Winnetka School administrators  the Boy Scouts of America, and the owners of the Teton Valley Ranch Camp. 

Unfortunately, the rest of us, plus an estimated more than 100 boys and girls, if not more, would beg to differ.