1. I used to be six feet tall. Time and gravity have reduced that by a couple of inches.
2. I used to have dark auburn hair. I'm now a L'Oreal blond.
3. My hair used to be naturally wavy and I didn't have to do anything with it. Now it's naturally bent and I have to beat it into submission.
4. I used to model. Yes, I am a former Miss Goosepimple for Zonolite.
5. I used to play volleyball, softball, and tennis. I still have my state champion bowling patch from eighth grade.
6. I used to play the piano. Until I had to go on stage to play a five-page scherzo by Mendelsohn or some other guy with bad hair. But suddenly, I also had to go to the bathroom. Soon. I never played those five pages so fast in my entire life. After my bow, I ran off stage toward the toilet to celebrate my Imodium moment, only to land in the arms of my ecstatic teacher, "You played it up to tempo!" High praise from her. But I tossed her aside to get to the toilet.
7. I used to clean my house. Before children. They're gone now and I haven't resumed speed.
8. I used to volunteer Until I realized I wasn't getting paid enough.
9. I used to spell my name differently. I changed it for some guy I had a crush on. Geez.
10. I used to have a lot of nicknames: Stretch, Road Runner, Long Sam, Lurch, Olive Oil, Stick, Big Bird -- see a pattern here?
11. I used to be a vice president for a large multi-national ad agency. Yeah, so?
12. I used to be in the Touring Company of Second City. This was so long ago that Harold Ramis and Brian Doyle Murray were in it.
13. I used to have cats. After the last one died, I didn't replace it because women over a certain age who live alone with cats are scary. I'm scary enough without cats.
14. I used to have children living at home. But they were able to get the duct tape off and escape.
15. I used by buy new cars. Now I only buy used. They are more grateful..
16. I used to wonder what my mother would think. Now I only care what my children think.
17. I used to plant hundreds of flowering annuals in my yard every spring. Now I have groundcover because it comes up every year without asking.
18. I used to be able to walk on my hands.
19. I used to have smaller feet. Hey, I didn't say"small."
20. I used to wish I had a lava lamp. My wish came true for Xmas a couple of years ago.
21. I used to want to fly jets and race cars. Still do.You never lose your need for speed.
22. I used to bake chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies all the time. One look at me and you can tell. What? You thought you were going to get a look at me?
23. I used to have a 20-year old Audi in my driveway. Wait a minute, it's still there.
24. I used to be married. What was I thinking?
25. I used to get up, get dressed in designer clothes and commute to work everyday. Now I work from my computer in a t-shirt and flip flops.