Monday, October 24, 2005


Mrs. Linklater has made many personal sacrifices to come here and lend a helping hand to the advice columnists. Without her, people who need advice would read the smarmy, feel-good pap these mistresses of misguided malarkey hand out like Halloween candy and go away thinking everything was going to be just fine, thank you.

That's why, as a public service, Mrs. Linklater always butts in. Not so fast, taffy apple breath. Clear the decks, Jethro, she's lighting the fuse on the loose cannon and we don't know which way it's pointed.  

Cheryl Lavin
Published October 24, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Cheryl: I've been with my boyfriend, Phil, for one year and four months. We couldn't be happier. I love him, and I know he loves me. But . . . we don't say the L-word. You may ask, How do I know that he loves me? My answer: Actions speak louder than words. I'm the epitome of a Chicago girl: tough and stubborn, yet sophisticated, sleek and chic. With that said, I don't want to be the first to say, "I love you." I would imagine Phil is thinking the same thing. My question to you is: What is the Man Code for saying I love you?

-- Chi-Town Cutie

Dear Chi-Town Cutie: Before we get to the Man Code, I'd just like to offer a little unsolicited advice: You're depriving yourself of one of the great pleasures of being in love: telling your partner you love him. It feels good! Drop that tough act, cuddle up with him, wrap your arms around him and tell him you love him!

Now, in the Man Code, "OK, I'll go to your little sister's recital" means "I love you."

Mrs. Linklater stops in the middle of eating her Chicago Hot Dog to wipe the mustard off her face and prevent this miscarriage of advice. Cheryl, you incredible slut -- oh come on, it's just a figure of speech. Where were you the day Mrs. L cracked the Man Code? Probably in the bathroom smoking.

Everyone knows that "OK, I'll go to your little sister's recital" means "If I do this for you, you're wearing the five-inch black leather, thigh high boots to bed."

The same goes for "Sure, I'll fire up the grill during halftime." Which is Man Code for, "If I can use your head for a coaster."

Mrs. Linklater, in her travels, has found that Man Code for "I love you" is, as shocking as it may seem, "I love you." The only time it's open to interpretation is when he says it to you while you are naked, especially on his sofa, in his bedroom, on his bed, etc. In fact, Mrs. Linklater might be going out on a limb here, but work with me -- if you're bare-assed naked with him pretty much anywhere, "I love you" means "I love doing you," which is probably not what you had in mind. 

Of course, if you're a woman, when you say "I love you" it could mean "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." Which is woman code for more bling, please.  Women are so full of shinola.

Unlike men, who are just full of themselves.
Shoot the cannon. My work here is done. 


screaminremo303 said...

Sometimes "I love you" means "Does this mean we're doing anal?"

Hence, the Bling.

The Navajo have nothing on Mrs. L.   Hail the CodeTalker!!

screaminremo303 said...

...sorry about the joke. My cannon misfired.

suzypwr said...

Remo having misfired his cannon notwithstanding, I never did get the difference between "I love you" and "I am IN love with you." I now realized it's dollars. Who knew?


nuttin2dobutchat said...

Finally, something I can comment about b-sides baseball... I didn't think that game was ever gonna end.  ;-)

I seem to be finding that "Hand me that remote" means "I'm a seriously lazy b@$t@rd" in either code.

Still accepting comments for VULVI nominations at:
Countdown to 10/29: 4 days, 8 hours & 1 minute (east)

tillysweetchops said...

I can picture it now, the "Dear Mrs L" Advice Column - The most humorous, certainly the most outspoken, with the best use of attitude anywhere!

Tilly x

swibirun said...

Thanks for the chuckles.  You never fail to give me a laugh, or three.


ladeeoftheworld said...

Ahhhhh.........such insight into the male brain.  I'm still laughing!

psychfun said...

Very interesting idea of "I Love You" vs "I'm IN Love with You" I like that & will have to think about that more! I do also agree with the naked I Love you's! Ha!

Now, just to add some interesting reading for others to contemplate. Dr. Deborah Tannen from Georgetown University has some books & videos on Gender Linguistics. I show her "He Said, She Said" video in my class. It is "the" most popular one with my students. They all want to buy it & have their significant others watch it! HA! (Georgetown was down but likely be up soon!)

In the video she says her research finds that women like to hear the words "I Love You" and they say it but mean are more "action" so they are like "Talk is Cheap, what have you done for me lately" so they feel when they take the trash out they are saying they love you. When they eat your dinner you prepared, of course it is good if I'm eating it & it is saying I love you. Funny thing is I was watching a rerun of Night Court last night & they had this very thing being demonstrated. You know I can see the guys point too. I think I'd rather a bit of both. It is still good to hear but heck there are many who say those words & it means absolutely nothing! How many still say that & then cheat or don't help you with kids or house ETC. How many women say it & treat their husbands so badly. Sometimes I'm like why do they stay? Sad!

emmapeeldallas said...

Ah, Dorothy Parker said it so well:

When at last you swear you're his
Shivering and sighing
And he swears his passion is
Infinite, undying
Make a note of this:
One of you is lying!


mombzbe said...

You are so right, Mrs L.  Man Code is surprisingly straightforward, as long as everyone is dressed.

Thanks to you, I now have some new insight into the real meaning behind "hand me the remote." :p

cubsandcoffee said...

You are brilliant.

judithheartsong said...

you go girl.... you redecorated:):):) judi

ally123130585918 said...

You should have a column of your own. You know how to give it to em...STRAIGHT......Ally

ajoleblon said...

You are a very funny lady!  I am honored that you visited my journal.  Thank you and I will be stopping by more often to visit yours. Congrats on the nominations.

easuess said...

I'd like to upload a sound byte of my laughter here. You're hilarious!

floralilia said...

wheezing laughing..

ya know, I just might award you the Official Floralilian Sharpshooter Medal for this one.

you aim is dead on Mrs. L.

- even with your bifocals.

onmiownnow2 said...

Your thoughts and answers are so refreshing!  I'd love to see you have your own column!  I'd tune in every day!  LOL!  Hugs!  Lisa

salemslot9 said...

makes me want a hot dog real bad...
the one with neon green relish?

meforevermore said...

About the thigh highs and I love you meaning I love you....

You are my hero.

lol Thank god someone else said this besides me!!! What are women thinking? There's no other word for "love" but love. A guy has some issues if he loves you and can't say it. And those men with real issues (not just the 'I don't really love you' issues) are very very rare.

You'd probably like the book "He's Just Not That Into You" lol He says men mean what they say and what they do, stop giving excuses. If only more women realize that, the world would be a better place.


misscarberry said...

I love these entrys! They're hilarious and it's nice to meet someone who finally tells it like it is.
Love Sam xXx

yakvette said...

OK, Are you in some southside bar on a 2 day bender or something?  The Chicago White Sox win their first World Series since 1917 and NOT ONE ENTRY YET?  Customers got you all worn out, eh?  

Next thing I'll read is you ran off with a Cubs fan.  


globetrotter2u said...

I can't believe you haven't yet done an 11,000 word treatise on the red sox victory.
Oh dear, have I said something wrong?

somenuttychic said...