Mrs. Linklater is here to help. Ever since our president said the country was addicted to oil, she has wanted to do something to show each and every one of us how to deal with this national affliction. She considered several self help programs before realizing that the secret to conquering this problem is by taking Zoloft and blaming everything on genetics. Or you can try Mrs. Linklater's Twelve Step Plan.
STEP ONE: DRIVE YOUR SUV TO THE EDGE OF A CLIFF.
STEP TWO: STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR.
STEP THREE: TRY TO PUSH THE SUV OVER THE CLIFF.
STEP FOUR: WAIT A MINUTE -- GO BACK AND PUT IT IN NEUTRAL.
STEP FIVE: NOW PUSH THE SUV OVER THE CLIFF.
STEP SIX; OKAY, THIS ISN'T
WORKING. CALL SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS TO HELP YOU, BECAUSE THE SUV IS TOO
BIG AND HEAVY FOR ONE PERSON TO SHOVE OVER THE EDGE.
STEP SEVEN: KILL TIME WAITING FOR YOUR FRIENDS TO COME HELP YOU BY PULLING BACK THE SEATS AND LOOKING AROUND FOR CHANGE.
STEP EIGHT: TAKE THE QUARTERS DIMES AND PENNIES YOU FIND AND PUT THEM IN THE CUPHOLDER FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE ON THE TOLLROAD.
STEP NINE: HOLD ON -- YOU'RE GOING TO BE SENDING THE SUV OVER THE
CLIFF, SO KEEP THE CHANGE FOR A WHOPPER WITH CHEESE ON THE WAY HOME.
STEP TEN: TURN ON THE RADIO. MIGHT AS WELL USE UP THE BATTERY WHILE
YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR FRIENDS TO GET THERE.
STEP ELEVEN: CRANK THOSE TUNES REAL LOUD -- SING ALONG BADLY AND
FAIL TO NOTICE THE ARRIVAL OF YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE YOU HAVE BLACKED OUT
STEP TWELVE; FEEL THE SUV START TO MOVE AS YOUR FRIENDS USE THE
BUMPER OF THEIR CAR TO PUSH IT OVER THE CLIFF THINKING YOU'VE GONE HOME BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE YOU INSIDE THE SUV.