One of my relatives
is a published novelist. She has the smarts and the patience to
write a couple of million words and not fall asleep. The other
day she invited me to join her at a weekend writers' seminar for people
who want to polish their novels all nice and shiny. The ultimate
reason for attending the weekend is so an agent will announce that
you're the next James or Jane Patterson, causing a bidding war among
publishers and Hollywood directors which, in turn, makes millions of
dollars suddenly appear in your empty bank account.
There's even an entire morning spent critiquing the first three chapters of your oeuvre.
Except I have no plans to write a
novel. I've wasted my IQ points watching too much television and
reading People Magazine. Because of that, I have no oeuvres to
critique. And people would wonder what the hell I was doing there.
Until I realized that even though
there's no way I could ever write a novel, I could write a memoir.
The
good news is that a memoir is kind of like a novel because everybody makes up
stories about what happened to them while they were growing up. And I could
do that.
But I don't have a memoir oeuvre
either. And there's only a week to write one and send it
in. So I had better get started. How's this for the opening:
CHAPTER ONE
At least I don't have to worry
about my epitaph. Pick one, any one.
"That woman is a piece of work."
"She said F*CK before it was fashionable."
"I'm looking for a loose cannon and your name keeps coming up."
CHAPTER TWO:
When my mother was my age, she had been dead for twelve years.
CHAPTER THREE:
I don't think a daughter ever gets over being two inches taller than her own father. I don't think he got over it either.
CHAPTER FOUR:
I have three brothers and a sister, but why talk about them. This is about me me me.
You know, this memoir thing
isn't too hard after all. A few more words and I'm good to go. Maybe I
should start practicing my autograph.
9 comments:
Well, I believe it could use some work, but that's a good start.
Easy read for sure!
Pam
Memoir? I thought that's what the journals were for.
Remo's all about the shortcut.
I am disappointed to learn that Remo likes to take shortcuts. There goes another fantasy.
I might suggest you expand to two sentences per chapter. Otherwise, I think you have a great thing going!
xoxo
Mrs. L
By all means start practicing that autograph so you will be ready to sign all those checks as the money rolls in. You have a talent! We know now it's not for writing novels, but hey, just sit way in the back and kind of duck down low at the seminar. Actually, I think I'd buy just about anything you wrote, so yes, Mrs. L, you do have a talent!
Sam
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that was hysterical..I think mine would go as..hmm....she thought....she thought not...she wondered...then she tried not too...she cried when she was happy...she was happy when she cried...she lived..she died...she hopes she doesnt have to do it all over again,,,,lol..-Raven
LOL
I'll send along a case of Sharpies.
You can either sign autographs, or leave some interesting commentary on the bathroom walls.
Anna
You could name your memoirs "A Million Pieces".......what?
Chris
http://inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings.blogspot.com
ur very funny
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