Monday, October 9, 2006

Coming to a Bookstore Near You

One of my relatives is a published novelist. She has the smarts and the patience to write a couple of million words and not fall asleep. The other day she invited me to join her at a weekend writers' seminar for people who want to polish their novels all nice and shiny. The ultimate reason for attending the weekend is so an agent will announce that you're the next James or Jane Patterson, causing a bidding war among publishers and Hollywood directors which, in turn, makes millions of dollars suddenly appear in your empty bank account.

There's even an entire morning spent critiquing the first three chapters of your oeuvre. 

Except I have no plans to write a novel. I've wasted my IQ points watching too much television and reading People Magazine.  Because of that, I have no oeuvres to critique. And people would wonder what the hell I was doing there.

Until I realized that even though there's no way I could ever write a novel, I could write a memoir.

The good news is that a memoir is kind of like a novel because everybody makes up stories about what happened to them while they were growing up. And I could do that.

But I don't have a memoir oeuvre either.  And there's only a week to write one and send it in.  So I had better get started. How's this for the opening:


At least I don't have to worry about my epitaph. Pick one, any one.

"That woman is a piece of work."

"She said F*CK before it was fashionable."

"I'm looking for a loose cannon and your name keeps coming up."


When my mother was my age, she had been dead for twelve years.


I don't think a daughter ever gets over being two inches taller than her own father.  I don't think he got over it either.


I have three brothers and a sister, but why talk about them.  This is about me me me.

You know, this memoir thing isn't too hard after all. A few more words and I'm good to go. Maybe I should start practicing my autograph. 


mosie1944 said...

Well, I believe it could use some work, but that's a good start.

lanurseprn said...

Easy read for sure!

screaminremo303 said...

Memoir? I thought that's what the journals were for.

Remo's all about the shortcut.

suzypwr said...

I am disappointed to learn that Remo likes to take shortcuts. There goes another fantasy.

I might suggest you expand to two sentences per chapter. Otherwise,  I think you have a great thing going!


gaboatman said...

Mrs. L
By all means start practicing that autograph so you will be ready to sign all those checks as the money rolls in.  You have a talent!  We know now it's not for writing novels, but hey, just sit way in the back and kind of duck down low at the seminar.  Actually, I think I'd buy just about anything you wrote, so yes, Mrs. L, you do have a talent!

rebuketheworld said...


that was hysterical..I think mine would go as..hmm....she thought....she thought not...she wondered...then she tried not too...she cried when she was happy...she was happy when she cried...she lived..she died...she hopes she doesnt have to do it all over again,,,,lol..-Raven

mombzbe said...

I'll send along a case of Sharpies.  

You can either sign autographs, or leave some interesting commentary on the bathroom walls.

swibirun said...

You could name your memoirs "A Million Pieces".......what?  


z7snowflake said...

ur very funny