Ancient History

While I was tearing my house apart trying to find some software I'd lost, I found an old issue of People magazine that I'd never read. Well, at least I don't remember reading it. So without checking what the date was on it, I started browsing through all the celebrity news I'd missed. The first thing I noticed was a snapshot of Nick and Jessica "We are absolutely NOT breaking up" -- really that's what the headline said -- so I knew I hadn't missed too much.

The next picture that caught my attention was one of Barack Obama. The caption said something about him being a rising star for the upcoming 2004 elections. Wow. He's been running for president for a long time. Oh, wait, he was running for senator back then.

There's a shot of Britney with hair. Not that hair. The hair on her head. And Kenny Chesny's ex -- remember that one day marriage -- is sporting very dark hair instead of blond.

Demi Moore is shooting a thriller called Half Light. I don't remember that one. Was it so half baked that it never got out of the editing room? Gwyneth Paltrow was at a press conference for her sci-fi action thriller, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Did that flick even make it to DVD?

Tony Danza was doing a trapeze thing for his talk show. Someone should have told him not to bother. Uma Thurman was still dating that hotel guy. Was he just a PR thing after her hubby, what's his name, Mr. Can't Grow A Mustache, hooked up with his co-star? Can't remember her name either.

Lindsay Lohan just got out of the hospital. Deja vue all over again.

Jay Z fired R Kelly from their rap tour, citing R Kelly's weird behavior. And this was AFTER all that other stuff.  Have we heard anything about Mr. Kelly lately? Isn't that nice.

The cast of Huff screened a clip of Kirstie Alley in her new show Fat Actress. "If the show is half as good as that little preview was, then they have a winner," said Huff star Hank Azaria.

Awww.  Too bad.

Reuben Studdard went off his diet. Gee, I wonder if he'll gain it all back?

Did anybody watch The Rebel Billionaire with Richard Branson?  Or the reunion of the cast of Dallas?

Who the hell is Vanessa Carlton?  Her sophomore album didn't get such a hot review from the people at People. Has anybody seen her since?

I didn't want to miss what Trista and Ryan Sutter are reading these days, or, rather, those days -- remember The Second Journey of a Powerful Warrior? Me neither. Ryan has read it several times for some reason. Trista will be happy to get through it once, I'm sure.

Shannon Doherty is pictured with a catch me fork me expression on her face, wearing, what would you call it, a black skirt, I suppose. It's hanging way below her belly button and just above her babymaker, with a sleazy slit that reveals both her outer and inner thigh. Her demure white pique top is strapless and sits about an inch above her navel. The caption says she's now "mellow."

Ri-i-i-i-ight.

Remember the bones and skulls of those three foot tall people they found somewhere in a mysterious island cave east of Bali? They were calling them Hobbits. Everybody's all excited about them in that old issue of People. But here it is three years later. Was it a hoax?

Paris Hilton is in the magazine not once, but twice. Never has  someone lacked so much for so long in everything except money.

And she still looks good. The bitch.