Monday, June 25, 2007

Mrs. Linklater's Psychic Readings -- Two for $5.00

I do this thing that's kind of spooky. Well, I do lots of things that are spooky, but this one spooks even me.

For no reason I'll just blurt out something about somebody that normally you just keep to yourself. Nothing like "GEEZ YOU'RE FAT!" or "THAT'S THE WORST TOUPEE I'VE EVER SEEN!"

More like a secret they're trying to keep.

I once met a guy at an ad agency where I worked. I was introduced to him the usual way, "So-and-so [with a very Anglo Saxon name, whose blond hair blue eyes and perfectly pressed white shirts make him look like a Nazi] I'd like you to meet Mrs. Linklater." We shook hands and out of my mouth came the words, "That's not your real name, your real name is Roger Spenser."  I remember apologizing for being weird.

To this day I remember the name Roger Spenser, but not the name he gave me. Turned out his dad was head of covert operations for the CIA out of Rome. And the rumor was he was CIA too. The fact that he was transferred to the Frankfurt office confirmed it for me, since NO ONE ever got a transfer to another office when they hadn't been working at the agency for a LONG time. Plus, for a marketing guy, he knew NOTHING about marketing that I could tell.

Well, I did the blurt thing again about two months ago to equal humiliation. But I just got confirmation that my outblurst [Get it? OUTBURST + BLURT = OUTBLURST] was right.

I was with a bunch of friends at the end of April. We were all about to sit down to dinner when I asked the hostess "Are you pregnant?" It was one of those questions that makes everyone stop talking and stare, because, let's face it, it was kind of rude. Like I thought she was overweight or something. Actually she didn't look pregnant or heavier at all. Most people would have asked her quietly in private when we were alone. No, I just blurted it out like a crazy person. I just had this feeling and the next thing you know my mouth was moving and sound was coming out. I had no control over it.

I should learn to trust these moments. Turns out I was right. They just made the announcement this evening.

It doesn't happen all the time. For instance, when Clinton was president he was having lunch with Mayor Daley in a restaurant at a table ten feet away from me. At no time did I feel the need to blurt out, "Mr. President, can you use Monica Lewinsky and a cigar correctly in a sentence?"


jayveerhapsody said...

Ten feet away from Slick Willie and you weren't molested??!!?? But, then again, you weren't in a hotel room or an Oval Orifice.
Blurting things out at inappropriate times?? I'm sure glad you were never in the audience when I was giving a concert.......Jon

jayveerhapsody said...

Yes, of COURSE I meant the Oval Office!

screaminremo303 said...

Situational Tourette's can be a handy tool. It keeps people away on the subway.

mombzbe said...

"Outblurst" is my new favorite word.

It's so much better than "Did I just say that out loud?"