CAUTION: There are a lot of bleeping a*terisks in this entry. Children and more sensitive viewers should just leave the room.
The problem with this country is that people don't know when to shut up and listen. Listening, dear readers, is at the heart of any good communication. Just ask the guys who beat their girlfriends. The first thing you hear when they get out on bail is, "She just doesn't f**kin' listen." Exactly. If only she'd taken that extra five minutes to let him call her a "st*pid, ugly c-word" for the umpteenth time.
Too often, we are guilty of just waiting for the other person to finish doing their blah-blah-blahs, so we can have our turn. For example, when I scream at you to go "F**k yourself," the average American cannot pass up an opportunity to reply with an equally enthusiastic response, "No, YOU go f**k YOURself, a**hole!" And the rules of engagement require that we continue this witty repartee until one of us is dead. What a shame. If only one of us, preferably YOU, had listened.
Which brings me to the first of my Ten, no, Nine, I mean Seven, oh F*ck it, I can only think of Six Steps to Better Communication:
Step Number One: If someone insists on telling you that you're the dumbest f**k in the history of m*nkind, just because you locked the keys in the car with the engine running, why not take a lesson from our froggy compadres on the European continent? Next time, pretend to be French and ignore anyone speaking English. It gives the appearance of listening. But nothing says "Up yours, mon ami!" with more flair than a Parisian who stares and pretends he can't speak your language. It’s all about the communication.
Step Number Two: When some little old lady tells you to "F**koff, you g*dd*mn m*th*rf**ker," just because you took the last Tickle Me Elmo, I recommend my own great grandmother's answer to almost any request, which was, "Go tell my a**, my head's gone a huckleberryin'." During the silence which passes for listening, while everyone within earshot is trying to figure out what the h*ll that means, you can be back in your car and cruising into a McDonald's Drive Thru for a grilled chicken wrap and a $1 drink. What’s with old people these days, anyway?
Step Number Three: Another classic American opportunity to shut up and listen occurs at sporting events. Standing up to cheer often knocks over the red Solo cup of the guy behind you, so you can now listen to him address you in tried and true American fashion, "You effing d*ldo, sit the f**k down!" No need to say another word. In the spirit of cooperation, however brief, simply lower your butt back down and wait for the next goal, basket, touchdown, or home run. Then stand up and knock over his red Solo cup. Again. And again. And again. In fact, if timed early and often, you can listen to that whiny d**kbreath sitting behind you all night long. Assuming you're not in a concealed carry state.
Step Number Four: Once you've mastered the first three steps of listening, you can start to reply to any communication with greater confidence. All you have to do is think before you speak. How easy is that? For example, I was recently called a "D*mb B*tch by a total stranger who took exception to my attempt to toss a half-full Slurpee into a trash can. From a football field away. Probably because I missed and left a trail of Slurpee juice all over him and his table. I stopped, like the good listener I am, to hear him rant at me about my lack of skill. But then I thought he was being a jerk, so I jammed a forefinger into each of my ears and started repeating my favorite mantra, "lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!" You bet I gave that bleeping b*sta*rd something HE could listen to.
Last but not least, we come to Steps Five and Six:
Reread Steps One through Four.
Okay, show of hands. How many of you were thinking, "Well, f**k her"? Haaaaa.