Mrs. Linklater gets off the sofa to microwave a slice of last night's pizza and spill YooHoo on Dear Abby's column. This one in today's Chicago Tribune is a beaut:
Dear Abby: I am a 14-year-old girl.
I have this boyfriend I have been dating for a month. His name is
"Travis," and he is 15 -- almost 16. Travis has had other girlfriends
before me, but he said that nothing happened between them. He calls me
about four times a week, and I talk to him at school daily. He keeps
giving me the impression that he wants to move our relationship further.
When I told one of Travis' closest
friends, I was informed that he had said that to the last three girls
he had. So now I suspect that he has had sexual relationships with all
of them. I would do anything for Travis, and he would do the same for
me. But I am not sure I want to have sex with him -- at least not yet.
My sister, "Tess," who is dating
one of my friends, told me to just go along with it. But I don't know
if I would be doing the right thing. I want Travis to be happy, but I
don't want to get hurt in the process. Please help.
-- Lost and Confused in Lake Charles
Dear Lost And Confused: Travis may
be the nicest boy in the world, but look at the last three girls he
"had." He's not with any of them, is he? That means your boyfriend has
a short attention span, and more than a girlfriend, he wants a
Please do not listen to your
sister's advice and "go along with it" to make him "happy." There are
three sad girls standing in the background who tried to make him happy.
I predict that trio will soon become a Greek chorus, and you do not
want to be part of that crowd. Strictly limit your "alone time" with
Dear Lost and Confused: Mrs.
Linklater hates to say this, but the Ab-meister has a point --
"Please do not listen to your sister's advice. . ." !!! No shit. Your
sister Tess sounds like she's just three condoms short of a gang bang.
By the way, do you girls have PARENTS? You know, the people who give
you direction and warn you about the lies lies and more lies that teen
aged boys and the men they become will fabricate to get you to make
them feel "happy." Or should I say, make "Mr. Happy" feel happy?
Mrs. Linklater predicts that Travis picked your sorry ass out of the
lineup because nobody's home after school. An empty house is as good as
the back seat of a 1967 Buick Riviera parked in the woods. While we're
at it, if Travis the wonder boy ever looks at you with his baby blues
and actually has the balls to say that those other girls meant nothing
to him, listen carefully -- because he's saying you mean nothing to him either. Now
go to your room, you're grounded for life.
Note to ABBY -- "Greek chorus"? Oblique references to 2000 year old plays is just confusing to hormone poisoned teenagers.